Freaky Friday

From when I left this morning, I knew something was just off. Not necessarily something about me, such as having my pants tucked into my flats or walking around with a limp, but more that everything I did was just a little off today.

When I got to work, I was trying to find things to do, as usual. When I approached Ryan, he suddenly asked me if I had done what he asked me to do yesterday. For the first time since working with Ryan, I had to say no. I suddenly thought about yesterday and how I had completely forgotten to do what he asked me. I didn't think too much of it because I was just cleaning out his inbox in his email. No big deal.

Wrong.

He got upset and began to walk away. I asked him if I could go and do it right then and he told me I had lost "my chance." He then walked away and refused to talk to me for the rest of the day. That is very uncharacteristic of Ryan. I have made so many mistakes that he has taken the blame for, from dealing with Compliance at the corporate headquarters, to a typo on an official document. In those situations, he shrugged it off and didn't care. But this?

It just didn't add up. Maybe that was his last straw. I really don't know. But I hope things are back to normal on Monday. Ryan is the only reason I stayed at my job when I considered leaving in April and every day since.

All morning, the staff were slowly trickling out of the office to begin their weekend plans. By one, I was deemed as "in charge" of the office until five. The youngest in the office, the college student, was in charge for four whole hours. Oh. My. Goodness.

During my reign as "Queen of the Office" I did absolutely nothing worthy of writing about. Not a single thing. I just wanted to express that I was in charge for four hours and took it for granted. Bummer.

After the day wrapped up and I came home, I got on my computer to check my email and such. However, I kept having fruit flies bother me and stick to my computer screen. (I threw half a watermelon on the sink and left it there all day at work. That was the culprit. Whoops.) Anyway, as I was swatting a fly away, I lightly tapped my cup full of iced tea and it conveniently flew off the table and dumped into Eryn's purse. It also poured out all over our cream colored chair cushion and all over the carpet.

Awesome.

I quickly grabbed paper towels to clean up the mess, paying special attention to Eryn's purse, knowing that would get me in the most trouble. (Funny how I was more scared of getting in trouble by Eryn than the condition of my carpet or my chair cushion.) I then used a remedy found online to get the stain out and waited for it to dry. In its current state, it is almost dry and most of the stain is gone. I'll make another cleaning attempt tomorrow and see what the cushion looks like after that.

I don't really have a great closing after that story, so I'll transition into something completely unrelated. I am obsessed with the new Parachute CD which is not surprising, considering I did the same with their first CD. This one, however, is much, much better, though I didn't think that was possible. I listened to it all day and I am currently listening to it now.

I listened to "Forever and Always" for probably 6 hours straight today at work. If you don't know it, here it is. Try not to cry. ;)

A Wedding and Photo

Goodness, I must be getting to that age. You know what I'm talking about; the age where everyone around you is moving on with their lives while you're still finishing college. My newsfeed on Facebook tonight has been filled with engagement photos, wedding receptions, and baby announcements. These are people are my age!

But, I guess girls just love to think about that time in their lives when they marry their best friends and begin their families. We can't help it, it's just something we're good at.

Going along with this theme, I have a board on Pinterest dedicated solely to wedding ideas. Granted, this step in my life is yet to begin, but, it's never too early to start planning. My favorite things to look at are engagement and wedding photos. In light of this, I will post a couple of my favorites, just for fun.



I like the creativity in this photo. The handprints are so fun and lighthearted, which is what a wedding should be about. Credit: From Portland to Peonies



This one is breathtaking. The colors are magical. The view is perfect. There's not a thing I don't like about this photo. Credit: Gia Canali



I love the colors in this photo and the perspective of the photographer. However, my favorite part is definitely the saying. This is the epitome of cute. Credit: unknown

Thinking of starting a new chapter in my life one day is exciting, but for now, I can live vicariously through these photos.

Worth the Wait

I enjoy working during the summer more than during the semester because I am not the only one still in college during the summer. I love having people my age to communicate with. Especially since the all the interns I work with except one are from Drake, so we can connect.

While waiting for Ryan to get out of a meeting, I scurried over to the "intern cubicles" to see if anyone was as bored as I was. These cubicles are not only super small, but they are away from everything else in their own corner. It's almost like a punishment.

Anyway, I found David and Brian, both who were also waiting to talk to Ryan. I guess he's a hot commodity some days. We talked about how we didn't want the summer to be over and how boring the office always is, just the same old stuff.

Out of nowhere, David asked me if I am engaged. I love getting that question. I can honestly say I haven't been asked that in probably two years.

"No, this is actually my purity ring," I responded, flashing a huge smile.

I don't enjoy getting asked this question to talk about myself or make others thing differently of me, I enjoy getting asked this because I always look forward to seeing how they respond to my answer.

Both David and Brian smiled. It wasn't just a cheesy smile or forced smile, but a genuine smile. Both of them. It was like they respected my answer. I like that.

David even said something along the lines of, "that's really cool."

Ha ha. I'm glad he thinks it's "cool."

This reminds me of Valentine's Day at Drake. The Knights of Columbus organization hands out real roses to all of the girls passing by on campus that day. There is a slip of paper attached to these roses that reads: You are worth the wait.

I remember getting the rose my freshman year and I couldn't help but smile and say "thank you." I just thought that was the classiest way of showing respect toward girls. I also think that is the most attractive thing about good guys, they respect girls. I appreciate guys who realize there is so much more to girls than what they can do in a bedroom.

The Box

Earlier today, I was searching our stock room for dividers. You know, those paper dividers you use in binders to seperate "invertebrates" with "vertebrates" in your old Biology binder.

Anyway, during this searching process, I opened all the boxes we have in our stock room, to see if I could find anything. I found a white box on the top shelf that I could hardly reach. I tried to pull it off the shelf, but it was heavier than I expected it to be. Instead, I just opened the lid to feel what was inside.

As I pulled off the lid a loud siren went off, freaking me out. I dropped the box lid and looked around, hoping no one had heard the sound. It appeared no one was phased by the incident whatsoever.

Good.

I quickly finished looking around and left the stock room. I couldn't imagine what would be in that box to make a siren go off like that. Why do I always find odd things at my work?

Instead of leaving it alone, I decided to tell Daniela and Tiffany about the incident, hoping either of them knew what it could be. Daniela, being the curious type, grabbed the keys and made her way in the room as I stayed behind. She came back out of the room laughing at me.

"What was it?" I asked her.

She continued to laugh. "Oh, you'll have to find out for yourself."

I stood there. Well, okay. I had the option to stand there always wondering what could be in that mysterious box or I could grad the keys and go look for myself. I mean, there could be a treasure map to buried gold or something. I couldn't stand not knowing.

So I grabbed the keys and with Tiffany in tow, went back to find out what was in that box. I pulled it off the shelf, with much effort I might add, and sat it on a lower shelf. Fortunately, there was a glass window on top of the box, so I didn't have to open it to find out what was inside.

It was a defibrilator. Why on Earth do we have one of those? Actually, what is a defibrilator anyway? And why on Earth would a siren go off when I open the box? More questions were created than answered after finding out what was inside.

I smiled at Tiffany and realized how much of a ditz I felt like after the whole incident. Both Tiffany and Daniela continued to laugh at the situation. Well, they probably were laughing at me actually. At least it entertained the three of us for awhile.

Wouldn't Have it Any Other Way

Awhile ago, Eryn purchased a book called "Before Getting Engaged" at a Christian bookstore. The main premise of the book is to explain twelve signs you know you are ready to be married and how to make yourself spiritually, emotionally and financially ready for marriage.

I decided to pull it out at the doctor's office to pass the time, especially because the wait was abnormally long this morning. Anyway, as I was reading, something in chapter two stuck out me.

*Before I begin to explain, here's a disclaimer. I realize I have only been in my current relationship for 3 weeks, so I am nowhere close to any engagement decisions at the moment. However, some of the signs that I am ready to be engaged are there already, while others still need work.*

The book said you realize you are with the one you want to spend the rest of your life with when two things happen:

1. You no longer have the urge to date anyone else besides the person you are with. You never think back to your exes and think about "what if." You no longer think about that guy you had a major crush on last year. You only think about your main squeeze.
   
2. You no longer look at the opposite sex in the same as you used to. For me, other guys would just be other guys, but wouldn't compare to who I'm with now. For instance, I go to eat at a restaurant alone and realize an attractive guy keeps taking glances at me. If I was ready to be engaged, I would not think twice about this occurrence and look the other way.

The reason both of these stuck out to me and the reason I am writing about them now is because I realize I am fully ready in both areas. For example, I have never, ever liked dating. I don't like awkward situations and I don't like being uncomfortable. Why would I want to meet someone else? I don't have an urge to see what else is out there when I am 100% happy where I am. I would be perfectly happy to not go on another date with another guy besides Matt. That's the truth.

The second point is the biggest revelation for me. In my past relationships, including the one where I "knew" I was going to marry him, attractive guys were attracted me. I still had the thought of "what if I were with him instead?" Goodness, don't we all want what we can't have?

Strangely enough, I don't have those feelings like I have in the past. In fact, as I've said before, all of the guys I had feelings for before meeting Matt are nothing to me now. I forget they exist. If you were to line up 100 guys and ask me who I thought was "cute" or not, I couldn't tell you, because I simply don't care. It doesn't matter anymore.

I am very excited to get further in this book and learn more about myself in the process.

Hematology, Iowa City and Veggies

I had quite a busy day today which makes me even more glad that Friday is almost here. I went to the Hematologist today to finally learn and understand what my blood disorder is and what this means for the rest of my life. Fortunately, I received mostly good news. I realized today that it isn't anything close to a death sentence, just a speedbump. I can handle speedbumps.

When I got back to work around noon, my boss had order Jimmy John's for the office, so I didn't have to worry about lunch. He got my favorite, the vegetarian, no mayo. Though I shouldn't have leafy greens, I just can't help it.

I left work around 1:30 to leave for Iowa City around 2:00. For the online course Eryn and I are taking through OTC, we have to take a proctored final. Unfortunately, the closest place we could find a "licensed proctor"(I think that is made up) was in Iowa City, 2 hours away. So we drove there, took our final, then came back.

When we got there, we parked near the old Capitol and decided we would stop by to take pics after the test (see amateur pic to the right). It was cool to see part of Iowa's history. It is located downtown near a couple of different textbook shops and mexican bars. However, it has to be the cutest downtown I have seen. It honestly reminded me of when I walked the streets of Hollywood, which is probably a weird reference. Needless to say, I would love to live in Iowa City.

The test was not terrible, but it could have gone better. I am confident I got the 50 something percent I needed to pass the class. I am cool with that.

Eryn and I were both quite hungry after the test, so we tried to find a place to eat. It just so happens there was a Which Wich right outside our testing facility, so the decision was made for us. Nothing beats a toasted hummus and avocado veggie sandwich on wheat bread. Yum, yum.

Normally, Jimmy John's would be the best meal I ate that day, but the only exception to that statement is Which Wich. I had my two favorite meals in one day. Life is good. :)

Miss Math Team?

While goofing around on my computer yesterday, I found a website with 25 free practice GRE tests. I thought, why not, let's see what kind of questions it asks. I'll need to take it in less than a year anyway, so I may as well get acclimated with the types of questions that will be asked.

There is an option to jump from subject-to-subject, so I decided to jump right to the math problem solving section. That is the easiest for me, so I thought I would try that one first.

First question: If you join all the vertices of a heptagon how many quadrilaterals will you create?

A. 72
B. 36
C. 25
D. 35
E. 120

Well, I know there is a formula to solve this one, but I can't remember the formula. Let's skip this one and move to the next. That was just an unlucky start. Let's jump to question two.

Four girls have to be chosen, 2 girls as the captain and vice-captain and 2 boys as captain and vice-captain of the school. There are 15 eligible girls and 12 eligible boys. In how many ways can they be chosen if Sunita is sure to be captain?

A. 114
B. 1020
C. 360
D. 1848
E. 1500

Uh........Is Sunita a girl?

I cannot remember how to go about this. This is not good. My six years of math team, enrolling in the most advanced courses my high school offered, and my business calculations class in college really show, don't they? Ha.

Needless to say, I will actually have to study math for the first time in my life. That will be interesting. I may just pull out all the old formulas for questions like these so I don't have to spend several minutes on each question.

With how well this math section went, I don't even want to think about the reading comprehension section. Oh boy, this will be like taking the ACT all over again, with a dash of psychology mixed in. What am I getting myself in to?

Lucky is a State of Mind

In elementary school, we had a Fun Night once a school year where families came to play games, enter in raffles, and meet teachers. The biggest event of the night was always the drawings for the raffles, with the "biggest prize" called last. My fifth grade year, my mom let Eryn and I buy a couple of tickets and place them in a couple of raffles. I remember standing around with nearly all 400 in my elementary school and their parents listening to the winners as they were drawn. When the final raffle ticket for the largest prize was pulled out, I instantly got a weird feeling that I had won. Indeed, my name was called.

Since fifth grade, I have been a lucky person. I have won many things through drawings like that one. I have also called in and won movie tickets twice from the radio and won $50 of scratchers during a baseball game. Now, you may be thinking she doesn't sound that lucky. She's only won a couple of things.

Your thinking is correct; I have only won a couple of things in my lifetime, but my whole family has considered me lucky. Since I won that basket full of goodies in fifth grade, I have believed I was a lucky person, causing others to believe it as well.

Luck is a state of mind. If you have a positive outlook on life, you probably tend to think you are more lucky rather than unlucky. This goes the same with situations throughout a day.

For instance, the relationship I have with the printer at work is a love-hate relationship. When I begin to print documents larger than ten sheets, I usually create a paper jam. Daniela, the IT person, assumes it is me when a paper jam occurs. She said more times than not, I created the paper jam. In the past, I have always been lucky with technology, but not this printer.

Sure, it's an easy fix. I just remove the paper and continue printing. However, today was a little different. I removed the jammed paper, it began to print one page, then another paper would jam. This went on for three or four pages before Daniela came to help me.

She finally fixed the printer but said she had never seen a printer jam like that before. She turned and smiled at me, indicating I am "special" when it comes to jamming that printer. In most cases, I would say I am unlucky and this printer just hates my guts. However, I am determined to prove to that printer that it WILL NOT jam when I next use it. I am determined to change my fate.

As for now, the printer is winning. Printer: (at least 10) Kaila: 0

Complete Happiness

Isn't it crazy how your perception of the future can change in a matter of hours?

This last semester forced me to reconsider my future career. Obtaining a dual degree at the business school and the college of arts and sciences proved to be a difficult feat. Since each were so different, I had to obtain a degree in both, like I was going to college twice. What an awesome deal!

However, the downside to this was that I was to take at least 15 credits a semester (18 if I wanted to be on the safe side) plus my two part-time jobs and the positions I hold in my two organizations. It proved to be a little difficult to handle.

But now, after many hours of research and scheduling, I realized I can drop to a marketing minor, declare psychology as my primary degree, and take many less hours each semester. Not to mention, I can more classes "for fun" and have more time to study for my GRE in May of 2012. I am much less stressed about the coming semester and I can hopefully have one Saturday free to go to the movies or hang out with friends. That would be lovely.

I ended last semester wanting nothing more than to never go back to Drake. I was at a low point and stressed to the max. Generally, I am not an easily stressed person. Things used to not bother me and I got a full 8 hours of sleep every school night my first year at Drake. Everything changed the beginning of my sophomore year when I wasn't even sure I could afford to start the semester. Luckily, God provided at the last minute, but the rest of the semester was truly a struggle.

So, my days went from awesome my first year, to extremely stressful my sophomore year, to a much-needed summer break. I vow to make this next semester much more like my first year than my second. I am the one in control of how I react to situations and I know I can do a better job.

Ryan told me a quote I wholeheartedly believe: "Stress comes when you approach a situation with an unprepared mind."

When I took my Business Law tests first semester, I knew studying for 3 hours a night for each of the 4 days before the test wasn't going to be enough, but it's all I wanted to allot. That's why I was stressed taking the tests and why I got a B in the class. When I presented at SIFE Regionals, I was stressed because I had not memorized my parts as well as I should have. I knew that going up to present, but the 3 tests I had the day we got back from Regionals were more important to me at that time. Luckily, the others did well enough that we still made it to Nationals. :)

Now that I have Matt to help me stay grounded, I now have a reason to not fully wrap myself in school. I look forward to talking to him and hopefully leaving campus to visit him and to get my mind off my worries. He's definitely the reason I'm much more positive about this coming semester. This summer, I have grown closer to God because of Matt's influence in my life. I don't see that stopping anytime soon.

It's awesome that I went from a semester living each day in stress to a summer that I don't want to end because of an amazing guy. Time can stop right now and I'd be happy for the rest of my life. :)

An Awakening and a Future

While at work today, my internet somehow ended up at Facebook. That happens all of the time. I don't know what the deal is. Anyway, Brian, the IT guy I used to work with, started chatting me up. He quickly began telling me why he left and what he didn't like about working. I completely agreed with almost everything he said. I had no idea he felt that way while he worked there. It explains why we got along so well.

One thing he told me is that I am too good to work for a company that doesn't care about their employees and is getting me nowhere fast. I thought about this for a little bit. I was on Facebook, doing anything but work, though I had many things I could have been doing. I am not a slacker. I am not the type of person that loafs on the job. That is, unless I find my job meaningless.

It's funny that I constantly go back and forth between staying at my job when the semester starts and leaving. It's not a good thing to want to leave, so I am going to continue to actively pursue other internships.

Last night, while deciding what I want to do with the rest of my life, I stumbled upon my dream degree program. When I switched to psychology, I knew I wanted a Ph.D. If you don't get one, you are pretty much left with few career options. After some research, I found the option for a Psy.D., which is a Doctor of Psychology. With this option, you can finish your doctorate in around 4 years and open your own practice. I knew that's what I wanted.

After looking for programs, the closest I found was either Chicago or Minnesota, two places I have no ties to. As quickly as my dream started, it ended. I realized I was better off just doing marketing because it is safe.

Now, fast forward six months to last night. I was again searching for Psy.D. programs because I realized I should follow my dream and God will provide the rest. However, I found a program in Missouri, so I looked into it further. Turns out, the only program in Missouri happens to be in Springfield. What?!

At the Forest Institute, I can get my Psy.D. in 4 years for clinical psychology and get a concentration in Religion and Psychology. That's EXACTLY what I want. Exactly. So, now that I realized my dream of becoming a licensed psychologist can be a reality, I am switching around my majors at Drake. I am dropping my Marketing to a minor and taking more Psychology courses to better prepare myself for grad school. Plus, I'll be taking less credits a semester and have more time to work/volunteer.

Oh my goodness, I am super excited for my future. I am already picturing myself sitting with clients and helping them become mentally stable. I feel like everything is going right in my life right now. God has blessed this Missourian turned Iowan girl who loves to watch tennis and has an obsession for baking. I can't imagine life getting better than this.

HTML and Orange

I was having trouble finding a topic to write about tonight. So, I decided to write about random things about myself that I feel help classify me as "weird." I hope you enjoy.

• I don't like flowers or plants. I never plan to have any in my house when I get older. Flowers die too easily and plants are too much work to keep alive.
  
• I also don't enjoy the taste of meat. Otherwise, I'll try any food and eat almost anything.
  
• I'm fascinated by morbid things like scary movies and haunted houses. I plan to visit a real haunted house one day. :)
  
• I'm extremely self conscious about my ears. I wear my hair down as much as possible and keep my hair long because of this.
  
• I want my braces back. I loved the innocence of metal in my mouth.
  
• I enjoy getting shots, drawing blood, and being at a hospital. There is something interesting about seeing rushing blood come out of your body. That blood is a real symbol of life.
  
• I greatly dislike the color orange. Since working in retail, I have never cared for orange.
  
• I have designed over 20 websites in strictly HTML code. I also periodically view the code of a website to see what HTML techniques the web designer uses. I enjoy reading and deciphering code, even though I haven't written code in almost four years.
  
• I can identify a large number of fonts on billboards, signs, and websites. I used to memorize fonts for fun and still remember many of them.
  
• I have a list of 7 boys names and 5 girls names picked out for my future children. Most of them also have middle names associated with them and are all posted on my desktop. Of course, my future husband will play a large part in this, but if I have them written down now, maybe I'll remember them when the time comes.
  

My Wonderful Grandma

For my history class, we have a final project where we are to create a family tree and go further in depth with one of our relatives. I emailed my mom today to see if she could give me all the info she knew and I'd be set. She gave me basic information that I knew, then told me I should call my grandma for more information. I told her I would, but really had no intention of doing so.

After about ten minutes, I realized it had been almost a year since I had even made any form of communication with my grandma. Since she lives in California, this is not rare by any means. I usually go three or four years without speaking to her. Then, my mom will be on the phone with her and I'll be forced to talk to her.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I love hearing how they are doing, especially my grandma. She is so well-read that I learn so many new things by just talking to her for a couple of minutes. However, when you go years without talking to someone, you have that awkward feeling of talking to a stranger for the first time. In addition, I am quite shy on the phone, so I make the situation more awkward.

Anyway, I mustered up the courage to call my grandma tonight. I was only one the phone with her for half an hour, but it felt like two minutes. She seemed different than I remember when I was younger. I could relate to her and she seemed more...compassionate than I remember.

She told me how thankful she is for the doctor in the ER who decided to test me for a blood clot, even though he was convinced I didn't have one. She said he saved my life and I hadn't thought of that before. My grandma was a nurse for many years, so she knows how serious it was. She also told me how thankful she is that I listened to my mom and decided to go to the ER. She said she knew she wouldn't have been talking to me tonight if I had waited even another hour.

I never realized how much she loves me until tonight. She never told my mom "I love you" until a year ago, but she has always told me that. She has just always loved Eryn and I more than I deserve. My mom recently told me my grandma brags to all her friends that she has two granddaughters going to Drake University. She apparently brags about our jobs and our grades (even if mine aren't that great.)

It dawned on me that I don't show my grandma as much love as she deserves. When I told her I had to go, she keep thanking me for calling her and how much she misses me. She also kept thanking God that I am here today, which was awesome to hear from her. The saddest part about all of this? I forgot to send her a birthday card, or a phone call or anything wishing her a happy birthday. I do nothing for her and yet, she tells all her friends about this "wonderful granddaughter" of hers.

You know what? I'm going to start living up to that "wonderful granddaughter" image she makes out of me. Tonight was just the first step.

When Prayers are Answered

My job and I have a bittersweet relationship. My work needs me and I need the money I receive from working, thus we rely on one another. However, I don't care for my job most days and my job doesn't care for me (I am not the type of person that should be doing what I am doing.)

With that said, I've stayed here because of affective commitment. In other words, I feel obligated to stay because the people I work with are wonderful and they rely on me, so I would feel bad if I just quit.

Last night, like many times in the past, I was telling Eryn about my search for a new job. I found a job at work yesterday (I know, I'm an awful employee) looking for a social media intern. She convinced me to apply today.

While at work today, I searched for the job, but it was gone. Looks like someone filled the position since yesterday when I found it. That's okay, there will be more out there, I told myself. Not even ten minutes later, my boss pulled me aside to speak with Ryan, the guy I work for.

They want me to get more involved with recruiting by calling experienced agents through a database. Ryan is giving me a script (which I most likely will not follow) and I am going to call these agents to see if they are interested in MassMutual. In addition, every interview I set up with a prospective MassMutual agent, I will get a bonus. Now, if you know anything about MassMutual, it's that they spend a lot of money on recruiting and recruiters. A LOT.

My boss then asked if I was interested. The best response I could muster was "oh yeah!" It seemed to do the trick because she smiled and got excited. I walked away thinking, what just happened? Just yesterday I was looking for another job, as I often do, then today, the job I wanted was gone and they offered me an opportunity in recruiting, what I have wanted since day one.

This isn't the first time I have seriously began searching for a new job and my work offers me something better. Last month, I began looking for another job for the fall and my job put me in charge of creating and maintaining Facebook and Twitter accounts, so I stopped. In May, I started looking for another internship for the summer when I was placed in charge of creating our company website, so I stayed. Even in March, I was getting bored, so I started looking at other opportunities, when my boss approached me about starting a quarterly company newsletter, so I stayed.

Since March, I have continued praying for my job, hoping God would lead me where I belong. Right now, I feel like God is telling me to wait it out for awhile and see where MassMutual leads me. In fact, if I can be patient enough for two more years, I have a full-time position waiting for me.

Needless to say, I am super excited to go to work tomorrow to begin calling prospective agents. Maybe I'll even schedule an interview or something, who knows?

Falling In

Since I was little, I have always loved music. For as long as I can remember, I have listened to music as much as possible. When I got into middle school, I started listening to songs for the lyrics, rather than just the music alone.

I actually still have a folder with every song I have ever written which I should pull out again sometime. I know there are at least 30 songs I have written in that folder. I remember many of them had to do with "love" though I had no idea what that was. Thinking back on it, the guy many of them were about is married now. Wow.

Anyway, one of my favorite songs right now, due mostly to its lyrics, is Falling In my Lifehouse. Here are the lyrics:

Everytime I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in

I can't wait to tomorrow
This feeling has swallowed me whole
And know that I've lost control
This heart that I've followed
Has left me so hollow
That was then, this is now, yeah you have changed everything

Everytime I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
That we're falling in
I would never do you wrong
Or let you down or lead you on
Don't look down, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in

I'm standing in your driveway
It's midnight and I'm sideways
To find out if you feel the same
Won't be easy, have my doubts too
But it's over, without you I'm just lost, incomplete
Yeah you feel like home, home to me

Everytime I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
That we're falling in
I would never do you wrong
Or let you down or lead you on
Don't look down, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in

All those nights I stayed away
Thinking of all the ways to make you mine
All of those smiles will never fade
Never run out of ways to blow my mind

Everytime I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
That we're falling in
I would never do you wrong
Or let you down or lead you on
Don't look down, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in
Don't be scared, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in

I found these lyrics at this website.

I only wish I could have written something this real when I was 12. You can't honestly write about it if you have never experienced it. One of my friends on facebook had a status that I have heard often, but the more I hear it, the more I agree:

There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. You can love someone and not be in love with them, but you cannot be in love with someone and not love them.

I think about my sister, for instance. I love Eryn. The bond we have is indescribable and I can't imagine life without her. Loving someone is that comfort knowing that you can do almost anything and they will still be there for you. They are your confidant.

Being in love with someone is similar, but there are differences. For instance, when you are in love, you want to make sacrifices for them, you want to go out of your way for them and you want to spend every waking moment with them. Now, I love my sister, but there is no way I could spend every waking moment with her. We would both go insane.

In this sense, I feel this song perfectly describes falling in love with someone versus just loving someone. Isn't it crazy how God gave us the ability to love? I am so thankful for that. :)

Dreaming of Desserts

I've always been a bit of a dreamer. I tend to have high aspirations for my future and high hopes for the futures of those in my life. As I started writing this blog, one of my favorite songs came to mind. I feel it is only appropriate that you listen to it before moving on. I hope you enjoy it as much I do.



Some of my past dreams have included: opening a bakery, writing a cookbook, getting a Ph.D., becoming a professional singer (ha!) and going skydiving. I'm not saying none of these will happen, but I know they are all things I have wished for my future at some time in my past.

My current idea is to start slowly on the "opening a bakery" dream. Online at Etsy people specialize in a craft and sell it online on their own page. It is like an online store for all of your products, from necklaces, to clothing. Etsy conveniently also has a section for baked goods. B. I. N. G. O.

After some research, Eryn found out there is a niche we can fill with our goodies. We like to make things as healthy as possible, while still tasting good. But first, we need a specialty. Something many people like, but that you can make different varieties. Finally, an idea hit me. We should make different flavored puppy chow.

Typically, puppy chow is made with peanut butter and chocolate, but what about all peanut butter, or all chocolate, or all strawberry? There are many things we could do with puppy chow to make it unique and still taste good. This idea is very close to coming into play.

We need to find a name for our little "business" and create a logo. Then, of course, we need to experiment with different puppy chow recipes until we find ones that others would like. The ideas are spinning in my head as I write this.

This may be a side project for my down time during the semester or it may not even start until next summer. Regardless, I am very excited. I realize I could be a baker and be the happiest person in the world for the rest of my life. But I also realize that I love learning and I don't want this education I am receiving to go to waste. So why not pursue my psychology dreams and fulfill my baking dreams at the same time? Sounds like a plan to me.

Unemotional

I remember watching Parent Trap with Eryn when we were probably ten years old in my bedroom one night. My parents came in my room and found me crying at the end of it. I remember my mom asking me why I was crying and I remember replying, "It's just so happy!"

I was ten. Ten-year-olds have no clue what love feels like besides loving their stuffed animals. This should have been a sign that I would be an emotional person.

And it's only gotten worse since. Not that I uncontrollably cry in public or cry when I hurt myself; those situations don't induce my tears. It is actually when my emotions are pulled or tugged, then my tears begin to flow.

The last 24 hours is a great example of three situations when I cry most often: in frustration, in fear, and in happiness.

Yesterday, while talking on the phone with a past close friend of mine, I bawled. Not just tears, but full-on cried. Why? Because I was so frustrated with myself and how I acted in situations of the past. I was so angry at the way I had acted that the tears came out. You know what? Afterward, I felt much better. I realized I had held in many things that should have been said, but never were.

Let's fast forward to today: while at the doctor, I found out the real reason I was in the hospital in the first place. I have Factor V Leiden, which is a disorder where my blood clots more often than normal. It just means I will most-likely be on my blood thinning medicine for the rest of my life. I can handle that.

When I found out, however, tears shortly followed. The doctor told me that having kids would be difficult, because you can't take the blood thinners while pregnant. Thus, miscarriages are more common than those without the disorder. God blessed me with an extreme love for kids, I find it hard to believe He would not allow me to have some of my own. And there's always adoption, and that's okay.

Needless to say, I cried because I was scared. I had, and still really don't have, much information yet. It's that whole fear of the unknown that induced my tears. That cry also felt very good.

When I had thought my tears were dried up, Matt just had to be all comforting and supportive, causing me to cry again. This time, they were tears of happiness. I can't remember the last time I have felt this comforted and reassured that everything would be okay. Finally, when I am the one to freak out, there was someone there to calm me down. Thank you, Matt. Talking to me meant more than you'll ever know. :)

"If God leads you to it, He'll lead you through it."

Soul Surfing

Tonight, I took my cousin, Ashlee, to see Soul Surfer with Eryn at The Palace. My favorite aspect of the movie was its motto: "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." I enjoyed that the entire movie was based on God's strength. There should be more movies out like that one.

One point the movie touched on was putting things into perspective. After Bethany had lost her arm, all she could think about was how she couldn't surf again. However, after she visited the Philippines, she realized there are more things to life than worrying about the little things. She decided she wanted to go back to surfing to continue to do what she loved, because not everyone has that opportunity.

This hit hard for me today. This morning, I checked my INR blood level and I was 1.6. When I heard that, I was shocked. I wasn't allowed to exit the hospital until I was a 2.0 or higher, so being below scares me. My past blood levels were 2.4, 4.5, and 3.8 since leaving the hospital, so jumping 2.2 in 6 days upsets me. This has been a struggle so far and I had lost faith in my ability to keep a stable number.

After leaving the hospital this morning, I was extremely discouraged. All I could think about is how inconsistent my numbers have been and how close I am now to what I was in the hospital. Why is this such a struggle for me?

After watching the movie tonight, I realized I have been focusing too much on how much trouble I am having with keeping my blood at the optimal thickness. There are so many other things in this world to worry about, that why I am so worried about that? There are people who don't have a roof over their heads, or even the access to medicine to keep them alive, and I am complaining because I am not able to keep my numbers are not consistent. That is not okay.

It's funny how seeing a simple movie can change your perspective. I know it was God speaking to me, showing me that He is in control and that I should be worrying about bigger things. I love it when that happens. God is great and I wish more people believed that.

July 4th, the Swain Way

I decided to wake up at 8:00 a.m. this morning, because I am apparently crazy. I stayed up until 1:00 a.m. the night before skyping my amazing boyfriend. Over the course of this summer, I have learned skyping him is one of my favorite things to do. It's right up there with baking and watching tennis, so that's on a high level of enjoyment for me.

Anyway, after spending way too long on Awkward Family Photos, I decided to make myself presentable and get something done. Every 4th of July, my family has a buffet of food available all day, then we eat later in the evening, just before we set off fireworks. During the day, Eryn, Ashlee and I made double chocolate cookies, guacamole, and ice cream cookie sandwiches. I would say all of them were successful, especially because Ashlee is already a better cook than me at 10 years old. She has a bright future ahead.

Just before dinner, Eryn and I were both struggling to stay awake after laying around all day. So we decided to make a Sonic run to get 44 ounces of pure caffeine in the form of raspberry tea, in hopes it would wake us up. I can say now, after consuming it over 3 hours ago, I am still hyped up. It definitely worked.

Finally, when it began to get dark, we went outside to start lighting off fireworks. Ashlee and Eryn were the ones lighting off fireworks tonight, but maybe next year I'll be the one doing it. Anyway, we had a great time shooting off different variations of fireworks, from those with various colors, to those that emitted high-pitched sounds. Nonetheless, it was a great 4th of July.



We are fortunate to live close enough to SBU that we could steal their wi-fi if we had the password, so we had a great view of the annual SBU fireworks show. I took many videos on my phone of the event, knowing it would outdo any fireworks we would shoot off during the night. I'd say this year topped last year's show.

When we came back in from the fireworks, Eryn and I convinced my family to join us in a game of nertz. We got more and more competitive with each round, though it was all in good fun. My mom is a beast at nertz; though she never won a round, she ended up in second place. That game turns nice Kaila into overly competitive Kaila that very few have seen. If you ever play the game with me, I apologize in advance if my ugly side comes out.

Now that it is already the 5th of July, I can reflect on yet another great 4th of July. Though I cannot wait to get back to normalcy, homework, and Matt in Iowa, I am enjoying my stay in Missouri. I am starting to realize, if God calls me to move back home and live in Missouri, I won't resist it. Iowa will still have my heart, but Missouri can always be a familiar place for me. And what's so wrong with familiar?

Sunday, the Day of Blessings

My day has been wonderful for many reasons. I don't think I appreciate life as much as I should. Here it goes:

1. After church, my dad took Eryn and I to Cheddar's for lunch. I love, love, love Cheddar's. I miss having it so close, but now when I eat it, it tastes even better because it has been a while since I have eaten it.
   
   
2. While at lunch, my day told me he was saved. He explained how great his spiritual life has been in the past couple of years that Eryn and I have been at college. I asked if I could pray for lunch and he wasn't hesitant whatsoever, then we began talking about his faith. He has come such a long way since I last talked to him in March. His number one goal is to help those less fortunate than he is, in whatever way he can. This is all from the work of God. I am excited to see him again in Heaven one day.
   
   
3. I came home to watch Wimbledon on DVR that aired while I was at church today. When Djokovic made the winning point, I was shocked. I just sat there for a couple of seconds before I realized he had actually won. I'm going to admit, tears came to my eyes, but they were good tears. I can't believe I cried. It's just a silly game I've never played with players I'll never meet. Oh well, such is life.
   
   
4. I got a B on my last test in my history class after no studying, texting during the test, and watching Djokovic on TV. It brought my grade down to a 97% but I think I can handle that. I seriously I am not putting forth effort in this class like I should, but I can't not try in a class. Oh community college education, how I love thee.
   
   
5. A thunderstorm is about to start. It is nice and windy outside, with light rain just now starting. The lightning is also beautiful. God's wonders, even the thunderstorms, are marvelous.
   
   
6. My family ate at the dinner table tonight, together. Though Eryn and I arrived just as dinner was starting, they were all sitting there, talking and laughing. I cannot remember the last time we used our dinner table to actually eat, but it made me smile. I hope this becomes a trend.
   
   

I suppose I could go on and on with how great my day was, but that could get a little ridiculous. I'll stop there for tonight. I hope this inspires you to count the small blessings in your life; I know I should do that more often.

Lost in Translation

On June 18, I ordered my book for my Psychological Assessment class this fall for a good price. However, because of my impatience, I usually don't take the time to read the fine print most of the time. So when I opened my book yesterday to find the cover written in Chinese, I was a little concerned. I mean, I would have to brush up on my Chinese a little bit in order to pass the class. Or, I could admit defeat and purchase another one in English.

I looked up my account on eBay to read the details of the item. Turns out, the book was shipped from China and has a Chinese cover and Table of Contents, but everything else is English. So I opened the package the rest of the way and found that it is, indeed, written in English, just with Chinese adornments. Now I really don't want to return it because now my book will be different than everyone else's. At very least, it'll be a good conversation starter.



Another experience I recently experienced with miscommunication occurred yesterday as Eryn and I were driving from Des Moines to Bolivar. As Eryn drove from Des Moines to Liberty, I pounded a diet coke, knowing I would be driving late for the second half. With caffeine, however, comes consequences for all parties involved. Let me elaborate.

I always sing in the car, especially on long drives. It keeps me entertained. But yesterday, I must have gone a little overboard. The singing was accompanied by dancing, which annoyed Eryn probably ten minutes in. According to her, I was also talking too much for her liking. I am sorry she felt that way. I just wanted her to be in a better mood, because she seemed upset the entire drive.

I found out I was the reason she was upset. Whoops. Me on caffeine is probably what many people act like when they are drunk. I never want to know how I act with that poison in my body, especially after experiencing my behavior changes from just caffeine. At least I become very happy when I get caffeinated and not violent or angry. That would not be good.

Luckily, we made it home safely and I am now enjoying being with my mom and Cheeto (her orange tabby cat.) I forget how much I miss having a kitty around until I come home. He and I fell asleep together last night and we watched tennis together this morning. He's my bud. :)

Only two more years until I can move into a place that allows animals. Then I can have my kitty cat fix once again.