Unemotional

I remember watching Parent Trap with Eryn when we were probably ten years old in my bedroom one night. My parents came in my room and found me crying at the end of it. I remember my mom asking me why I was crying and I remember replying, "It's just so happy!"

I was ten. Ten-year-olds have no clue what love feels like besides loving their stuffed animals. This should have been a sign that I would be an emotional person.

And it's only gotten worse since. Not that I uncontrollably cry in public or cry when I hurt myself; those situations don't induce my tears. It is actually when my emotions are pulled or tugged, then my tears begin to flow.

The last 24 hours is a great example of three situations when I cry most often: in frustration, in fear, and in happiness.

Yesterday, while talking on the phone with a past close friend of mine, I bawled. Not just tears, but full-on cried. Why? Because I was so frustrated with myself and how I acted in situations of the past. I was so angry at the way I had acted that the tears came out. You know what? Afterward, I felt much better. I realized I had held in many things that should have been said, but never were.

Let's fast forward to today: while at the doctor, I found out the real reason I was in the hospital in the first place. I have Factor V Leiden, which is a disorder where my blood clots more often than normal. It just means I will most-likely be on my blood thinning medicine for the rest of my life. I can handle that.

When I found out, however, tears shortly followed. The doctor told me that having kids would be difficult, because you can't take the blood thinners while pregnant. Thus, miscarriages are more common than those without the disorder. God blessed me with an extreme love for kids, I find it hard to believe He would not allow me to have some of my own. And there's always adoption, and that's okay.

Needless to say, I cried because I was scared. I had, and still really don't have, much information yet. It's that whole fear of the unknown that induced my tears. That cry also felt very good.

When I had thought my tears were dried up, Matt just had to be all comforting and supportive, causing me to cry again. This time, they were tears of happiness. I can't remember the last time I have felt this comforted and reassured that everything would be okay. Finally, when I am the one to freak out, there was someone there to calm me down. Thank you, Matt. Talking to me meant more than you'll ever know. :)

"If God leads you to it, He'll lead you through it."