Reading and Revelations

I genuinely want to read tonight. This is a rare occurrence. Mainly because my memory makes it difficult to get through a book all of the way. I tend to forget the details from the beginning and fail to miss the point of the book when I make it to the end. Thus, I no longer find enjoyment in reading.

However, because of this poor memory, I cannot find the book I was reading. Now, this is annoying because I am missing an opportunity to get through a book because I can't find the darn thing. Shucks.

So I have resorted to reading secrets that people have anonymously posted online, just to have a place to vent. Most of the secrets are dramatic and some are quite funny. But a general theme is developed after just reading a few. Love.

Everyone can relate because everyone either has been in love, is in love, or wants to be in love. It's the one thing that binds us as humans. We want to feel that mutual feeling of trust and feeling to be wanted by another person. It's no wonder the bible discusses love countless times.

1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast...." or my sister's favorite verse, the same chapter but verse 8 "Love never fails.." How much hope do you have reading these verses? How can you not feel true love exists. If you never again feel this love from a human, God is always there to love you more than you can fathom. How cool is that?

This also brings me to a Stacie Orrico song. It goes like this: Love is patient, love is kind. Love is the one reason our world survives. Love is simple. Love is true. Love is the one thing that can always change you.

I used to sing to this song when I was younger, before I had ever felt the actual feelings of love from a guy. But looking back on the lyrics, several years after experiencing love, I realize I have been in love since I accepted Christ. Without sounding cliche, it is absolutely true. If God can love me for all of the horrible, crazy things I have done in my life, then how can I not love Him back?

I plan to be in love again someday. But I know waiting for the man God puts in my life is the most important thing. When I find him, I plan to never let him go. Because love never fails.

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas, It's the Best Time of the Year

This Christmas was memorable. Definitely.

My dad came over this morning and we opened presents as a family, which we haven't done since my parents split up twelve years ago. My parents have an interesting bond while being divorced, but I cannot complain. They are pretty much close friends still, just not married or living under the same roof.

But now that Eryn and I have left for college, they treasure the time we are home. So they don't mind spending time with us while being together. Personally, I like it. I mean, I would not want them to be married again, because they are each much happier separated. But the fact that they get along for us is a major cool thing.

Being in Missouri makes me miss Iowa, but for very specific reasons:

1. I love the snow in Iowa. They currently have nine inches for their white Christmas. I miss the beauty of snow.
2. Of course the independence. Since I got my driver's license, I haven't relied on my parents for much. So living on my own in another state has caused me to grow up quick. I wouldn't have it any other way.
3. My roommates. I have the greatest roommates whom I miss dearly. I love being around girls who are just as goofy as I am, yet care about school just as much as I do. I never thought that combination existed outside of me, but I guess it does.
4. Drake. My life for the next two and a half years. Enough said.
5. Des Moines. I love living in a city where the people are nice, the opportunities are endless, and the view is gorgeous. You'd have to pay me not to live in Iowa when I graduate. Seriously. Like, a lot of money to move away from there.

I thought it was only appropriate to include a picture of my white Christmas today (Missouri style.) It's no Iowa snow, but I appreciate it for what it is. :)

The Big Debate: Indianapolis, Minneapolis, or LA

After researching this evening, I found out I definitely want a Psy.D. The reason for a Psy.D. over a Ph.D. is that Ph.D. professionals focus on research more than practice. I want to go out and practice, where I can use my degree to help those hurting directly.

So now that I decided what I want, I have to decide where I want to get it. Unfortunately, Psy.D. degrees are very uncommon and not offered very much in the United States (though Canada is flooded with these programs.) So my research has been quite extensive.

I narrowed my list to three schools in order of my preference thus far:

1. University of Indianapolis
2. Argosy University in the Twin Cities
3. Pepperdine University in LA

Indianapolis has an amazing program, but along with that, a very selective entrance percentage. However, according to Mapquest, traveling from Drake to Univ. of Indianapolis, a 7 hour and 40 minute drive is required. I CANNOT be that far away from Eryn. Period. Unless, of course, she came with me. (That's the next best option.)

So that's why Argosy is number 2. Minneapolis is just over 3 hours from Des Moines and that is manageable. Also not ideal, but definitely do-able.

Lastly, Pepperdine is an awesome school in California. I know the area and my family is located just around the corner. However, that is a 25 hour 17 minute drive from Des Moines, so unless Eryn comes with me, no thank you.

Good thing I don't have to worry about this for another year. Ha. That's not enough time. But, I just requested more info from these schools to weigh my options closer. I'll update you on what I find after I get the solid evidence. My choices may be different.

One thing I know for sure, I am utterly, totally, absolutely excited about going into health psychology, concentrating on mental illness and addiction. Goodness gracious, can it be 2018 all ready?

Scholarships and School Thinking

Of course break does not mean a break from intellectual activity. In fact, I do the outside activities I generally do not have time to accomplish during the semester. Plus, I feel obligated to do something important because I know I'll need something to account for once I come back to school.

I started reading a book a couple of days ago. It's called Uglies. The reading level cannot be higher than eighth grade, but I do not care. It is somehow stimulating me and that's all that matters. Who cares if a college student can learn something from a book catered to kids not even old enough to drive yet?

I also just submitted a scholarship. The chances of winning are probably slim at best, but my chances would be none if I didn't submit anything at all. It's almost like high school all over again.

It's funny because in high school, I always told myself I would stop worrying about grades in college because I all ready made it to college. Well, now that I am going to grad school, I have to care about my grades.

I also said I wouldn't have to fill out any more scholarships, because they are only available to high schoolers. That also couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not as persistent as I used to be with filling them out, but I still do. In college, anything free is incredibly enticing.

Before I go, I want to clarify that I DO NOT enjoy reading for fun. I am doing so for that small chance that reading improves memory. I'll take what I can get at this point.

My Ten-Year Plan

I went shopping with my mom and sister today for my cousin's daughter, Meadow. Meadow turned two in October and is the smartest two-year-old I have ever met. I am convinced she has the vocabulary of an average 4-year-old. In addition, Meadow has the biggest blue eyes. She is the epitome of adorable.

We ventured to Toys R Us to find games for Meadow and clothes for the new baby (my cousin is due any day now with her second one.) Unfortunately, she doesn't want to know the sex, so we have to find gender-neutral clothes. I have decided I want to know my baby's sex, mostly to help those who are shopping for my children.

While shopping, I realized most people have their first child before 30. That means in the next ten years, I will most-likely be married, have children, be established as a therapist, and paying off my student loans. That seems like such a stretch from where I am now. I mean, I am a single college student working an internship and acquiring student loans. My mom said the next ten years will be the best years of my life, so treasure them. What a great outlook to start off my twenties with!

A couple of weeks ago, Eryn and I threw around baby name ideas. Here are a couple of girl names we both like:

• Autumn Marie
• Summer Lily
• Lexi Marie
• Trinity ?

We also decided boy's names are harder to come up with. Some we thought about are:

• Tucker Levi
• Titus ?
• Brendan ?
• Brandon ?

Okay, so middle names are tough. The hardest part is coming up with a middle name that isn't Michael or Sean, which are used with almost every boy's name. We both want our children to be different.

I know last names also make or break a name, so that is something I will consider when I get married. It's just so much fun trying to decide small details about my future while I can still dream. I know it will be even more fun living those dreams one day.

I Wish Things were Different

It's official: I have a B in Business Law. It's the final grade. The determinant of my worth in college. And I have failed myself. I am frustrated because of all the work I put into the class. My transcript just says B so anyone could think I got an 80%.

I was so close. 12 points away from an A. 88%. Ugh.

I probably shouldn't write when I am so angry, but most times it helps. So I gave up that President's List rating on my resume and anything that came along with it. Awesome.

If the class were not focused so heavily on memory, It would have been great. I mean, I did everything I could to try and remember the technicalities. But it never worked. Never.

I am not mad at the professor. He is the best professor I've had and probably will have.

It was just that one thing I wanted but now say I'll never have. That 4.0 throughout college. Plus, this is just my sophomore year and I am struggling. Who knows how much harder it will get from here on? Will I ever get A's again? Ugh.

This break is just what I need to get my grades off my mind. Seriously, I have to do better in the future.

On a lighter note, I slept in until 8 today. It was fabulous. I love not having to worry about my tests, or homework, or getting to class, or going to work. I can just worry about doing what I want, which is nothing.

The Start of Something New: Round Two

One day remaining.

You know, this whole countdown thing has really made my life exciting. Before I began counting down the hours until I am done with this semester, my days were pretty bland. Nothing real exciting, nothing real special. I just existed.

I know I haven't had a wonderful semester. In fact, the past couple of months have been a hard time for me. But I made it out alive, well, almost. One marketing final to go and I am on my way to success!

I also realize that I want to go back to my old self. She's still in there, she's just been hiding because stress hasn't allowed her to come out. But she's ready and willing to go. I am making a checklist of things I want to see change/I want to accomplish over my winter break. Here it goes:

• Exercise every morning
• Eat healthy/watch what I eat
• De-stress
• Read some of the books I've had for years but never picked up
• Look over my textbooks to get a head-start
• Get my hair looking normal again
• Focus more during my daily devotions
• Stop making excuses for myself when I fall into temptation
• Get better mentally and physically
• Write everyday
• Appreciate the small things in life
• Give everyday up for God

I am going to save this list and refer to it everyday to make sure I am on track. I genuinely want to change. I want to be happy and enjoy life.

The Good, Bad, and the Ugly

Let's first start off with the good. I had a wonderful time working on my group marketing project for 6ish hours today. We pretty much finished all of it. How exciting.

Not to mention, we hung out in Nick's room. Eryn and I talked about Nick afterward and decided he is definitely awesome. He is nice, funny, and easy-going. The fact that he is cute helps a bit. All good, right?

Wrong. Mr. Nick is taken. I don't consider myself a homewrecker of any sort, especially in a relationship I know nothing about. Why is that I find someone I think would work and he is taken? Argg. I knew he was taken from day one, but I assumed there was a hint of chance. Highly unlikely.

So, randomly, I decided I no longer wanted to study tonight and decided to gorge myself. That was a double-edged sword. Not only did I not study, I made myself so full, I feel sick. Why? Why do I do this? I actually had a good day for the first time in a long time. What is wrong with me?

I want to become a therapist when I get older. Why? I want to help people. Deep down, I know I need help myself. I know I have a problem and yet do nothing about it. I want to learn more about why I treat my body so badly and why I continue to lower my self esteem.

One day, I will overcome this and have the education to help others like me. Those who also have an unhealthy relationship with food. I am going to counsel men and women with eating disorders. I feel I have the knowledge and experience to do so.

Step one, overcome this. Starting Wednesday, December 15, I am done with my unhealthy relationship with food. All temptations will be gone, so I can fully commit. I am in a downward spiral and I just don't understand it. I used to be the skinny girl. The healthy eater. The one who wore clothes too big for her. The one who could get guys.

Now, I am the girl still trying to wear those clothes, but killing myself in the process. The one who can't get a guy because she feels unworthy. The one who doesn't care what she puts in her body as long as she is satisfied at that moment.

God, this is scaring me. I CANNOT be overweight again. It would kill me. I all ready struggle with mild depression because of my poor self-image. This cannot get worse.

I want to get married one day. I want to solidify my relationship with God and let Him know how much I appreciate Him. Right now, I need to get right in my head. This constant sinning is unacceptable. God deserves better. My friends and family deserve better. I deserve better.

Summary of my day:

The good: having a great day with friends and working on marketing. Oh, and Nick. :)

The bad: Nick is not available. God didn't intend for this to work out just yet, if ever.

The ugly: me if I continue to eat like this. God, please help me. I am broken and need Your help.

In your name, Amen.

Praising God for the Little Things

One. Week. Left.

This semester will be officially over in one week for me. It has been the roughest 5 months of my life yet. Christmas break will be a time to get refreshed and ready for a new school year.

I have to gain a positive attitude about next semester. Right now, school isn't fun. Going to class is a struggle. Sometimes waking up isn't even easy, knowing it's just another day. I have to make school fun again, just like it has been since Kindergarten. I used to go to class because I wanted, get the good grade because I genuinely cared about the material, that sort of thing. Not anymore.

And I never thought I would feel this way about life. I am always the happy one. The level-headed girl with open ears and positive thoughts. What happened?

On a bright side, my internship is something to be happy about. I love going to work everyday, even if I have to sacrifice getting up uber early every morning. Something about knowing this is going to get me somewhere someday excites me. If only I could spread that passion to other areas of my life.

I know, with God on my side, things will be easier. I always used to think things would be easy after I got saved, but that isn't the case at all. The difference is that now I have someone to turn to who will unconditionally love me for the screw up I am.

God, thank you for every blessing You have placed in my life. Please help me see those blessings and see the good in situations. I know You put every obstacle in my life for a reason and I accept that. I know You only want the best for me.

I praise you and love you more than anything and I should do more to show it. Thank you for your unconditional love and mercy. I need that now more than ever. Amen.