Not to mention, we hung out in Nick's room. Eryn and I talked about Nick afterward and decided he is definitely awesome. He is nice, funny, and easy-going. The fact that he is cute helps a bit. All good, right?
Wrong. Mr. Nick is taken. I don't consider myself a homewrecker of any sort, especially in a relationship I know nothing about. Why is that I find someone I think would work and he is taken? Argg. I knew he was taken from day one, but I assumed there was a hint of chance. Highly unlikely.
So, randomly, I decided I no longer wanted to study tonight and decided to gorge myself. That was a double-edged sword. Not only did I not study, I made myself so full, I feel sick. Why? Why do I do this? I actually had a good day for the first time in a long time. What is wrong with me?
I want to become a therapist when I get older. Why? I want to help people. Deep down, I know I need help myself. I know I have a problem and yet do nothing about it. I want to learn more about why I treat my body so badly and why I continue to lower my self esteem.
One day, I will overcome this and have the education to help others like me. Those who also have an unhealthy relationship with food. I am going to counsel men and women with eating disorders. I feel I have the knowledge and experience to do so.
Step one, overcome this. Starting Wednesday, December 15, I am done with my unhealthy relationship with food. All temptations will be gone, so I can fully commit. I am in a downward spiral and I just don't understand it. I used to be the skinny girl. The healthy eater. The one who wore clothes too big for her. The one who could get guys.
Now, I am the girl still trying to wear those clothes, but killing myself in the process. The one who can't get a guy because she feels unworthy. The one who doesn't care what she puts in her body as long as she is satisfied at that moment.
God, this is scaring me. I CANNOT be overweight again. It would kill me. I all ready struggle with mild depression because of my poor self-image. This cannot get worse.
I want to get married one day. I want to solidify my relationship with God and let Him know how much I appreciate Him. Right now, I need to get right in my head. This constant sinning is unacceptable. God deserves better. My friends and family deserve better. I deserve better.
Summary of my day:
The good: having a great day with friends and working on marketing. Oh, and Nick. :)
The bad: Nick is not available. God didn't intend for this to work out just yet, if ever.
The ugly: me if I continue to eat like this. God, please help me. I am broken and need Your help.
In your name, Amen.
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