Sleepy Head

I'm so tired right now, I'm acting like a little kid who doesn't want to go to bed. I am so giddy and delusional, I am laughing at anything that can keep me awake. Not to mention, I am blasting 30h!3 just to keep myself up.

Why am I so tired, you may ask?

Well, last night, my body decided it wanted me to see the sun rise, so I up until after 6a.m. trying to fall asleep. I am not sure why I couldn't sleep, because I was exhausted. I slept through all of my alarms and got up at 10:30 for work at 11:30. It was a close call. Needless to say, my plans of working out, showering, packing a lunch, and picking up the dry cleaning were out of the question.

I shall throw in the towel and say good night world. I'll be around tomorrow as well. :)

Working and Working Out

I am ready to go back to work. There. I said it. I am sick of being bored at home, doing absolutely nothing for a majority of the day. There's only so many times you can work out in a day before it gets ridiculous.

Though I wish I enjoyed my job more, maybe things will change. I am starting back up with the summer interns, so I hope things will be different for me. I hope to be so busy I can't even keep my head on straight. I hope to meet all of the new interns and help them with whatever they need. That's my hope.

I am also looking forward to starting my new work out plan. Oh boy! I've decided to run a 5k tomorrow then lift for probably half an hour or so, then cool off with a mile jog on the treadmill. My goal is to do this everyday for a while until I am ready to train for the half marathon.

Wow, just typing half marathon is a little scary. I can't lie. I am scared that I won't finish. I mean, the most I've run continuously is 4 miles. But goodness, 13 miles is a stretch. I know I need to get the mindset that I can do it, so maybe that's what training will do for me.

Well, I should get some sleep so I can get up and start my first day back at work. I'm like a little kid before going to Disneyland. Just so excited. :)

Decisions, Decisions

My biggest problem these days meet at one location. A simple problem that many can overcome, but not me. The problem I am facing is making decisions and sticking with them.

For instance, when deciding what I want to do for the rest of my life, I struggle with what I want to do and what I think God wants me to do, and what I think will support a family. Now, I've found things that fit what I want to do and what will support a family, but not what God wants me to do.

The best example is going into Psychology. I LOVE learning about what makes us tick, and one day, learning how to help others with their problems. However, there is a drawback. I would have to compromise a family if I want to go into Psychology. After Drake, I'd have at least 5 years of school, plus at least 2 years of residency before I could even practice. Not to mention, building a client base and getting skilled in my field.

So let's do the math: I'll be 22 when I graduate from Drake. Tack on 5 - 7 years of graduate school, 29. Add 2 more years of residency: 31. Then, I can worry about a family. Nu uh. This is what made me unsure that God wanted me in Psychology. I want a family and I feel that's what God wants for me as well, more than a career that I feel I want for me.

If I were to do college all over again, I'd go into Psychiatry. That way, I'd have 12 years of school after high school, but I'd be prepared for that. I could start a family during my four years of residency and still be able to prescribe medicine in the end. Oh well.

Now, I am focusing on graduating from Drake and going to grad school for my MBA in Marketing, a total of 2 years. That puts me at 24 after grad school, definitely a reasonable age to end school. Plus, I can work full time during grad school, so I can support myself while studying. It's a win-win. After I'm out, I plan to work in consumer behavior, researching why people make the purchases they do. Specifically, what kind of food marketing out there drives young men and women to delve into eating disorders. I know it's super specific, but a girl can dream, can't she?

Then, of course, I'd love to have a family and open a bakery with Eryn around 40 or so. Just for something different, exciting, and something I absolutely love.

However, getting married falls into the plan somewhere. Not sure when, not sure where, not sure how, but I hope it happens. The indecisiveness in me still makes me question who is this guy and what am I really looking for. Goodness, that is something I really wish God made easier for us.

For now, I'm stuck in the guessing game. I can't lie, it's kind of fun. ;)

the Small Things in Life

I am blessed with the relationships in my life. Everything about interacting with others is fascinating to me. Meeting new people. Catching up with old friends. Spending time with newer friends.

What about the simple things in life that are amazing? A nice run on a brisk morning. A newly lit candle that smells like vanilla. Baking brownies on a rainy afternoon. Watching Modern Family or The Office every week. Being around those who share the same beliefs as me. I could go on and on.

Today was just an average day. I baked for Clarity, but other than that, just average. I was still in a daze from spending time with a certain someone yesterday, but that usually goes away within a day or so. But what made today so amazing was actually what happened after 8 p.m.

Clarity was amazing tonight. I had a wonderful time speaking honestly with fellow Christians who are dealing with the same things I am. We had such a great discussion tonight. I felt so comfortable sharing my heart, which is something that rarely happens to me. Not to mention, I learned about others who I didn't know much about.

I came back home, thinking I would go to bed and wake up for another day. Instead, I got a phone call from a friend who I dearly miss from home. I never thought I would miss someone so much that wasn't in my family, but I do. I am beginning to realize what friendship truly means. I want more days exactly like today. Beginning, middle and end. Well, throw in a job that I love and I'd have it all.

But that goes against what God wants for us. At Clarity, we talked about doing God's will instead of our own, which is one of the hardest things for me to do as a Christian. As with everyone else on this temporary home we call Earth, I am not perfect. I don't try to be. I try to live every day, every moment, for Christ, in hopes that someone's life will be changed because of it. That's all I ask.

Right on Track

I walked to campus from my apartment today, to gauge how long a walk to class will be next semester. With no stoplights, it was 15 solid minutes of walking. Since I have a tendency to be late and a tendency to attract all things that make me late -er, next semester will be a challenge.

I met with my Psychology advisor today and found out great news. I am right on track to graduate in 4 years! My final three semesters will consist of 15, 15 and 12 credit hours. Pretty nice! Of course, I will take more because that's the way I am, but the option is still nice.

This semester, however, is going to be a challenge for me. For one, I am enrolled in 17 credit hours so far. This consists of 3 upper level Psych classes, and 1 upper level marketing class. Included in the upper level psych classes is Psych Assessment. Why on earth do I like to challenge myself? This class will require waaaaay more out of me than any class so far. GRRRREEAAT. Oh Kaila.

On the bright side, I can still obtain my goal of making magna cum laude (3.9-4.0 gpa.) That's my goal for graduation. Two 3.8 semesters, two 4.0 semesters, so far, I am at the lower end. However, the next four semesters will be 4.0s and I'll have nothing to worry about. :)

My plans after college change constantly. Since this time last year, my mind has gone in this progression:

1. Work at an advertising firm working the marketing department
2. Get my MD to become a Psychiatrist
3. Bet my Ph.D to become a psychologist specializing in eating disorders
4. Get my MBA in Marketing and work in consumer behavior

One day, I'll find where God wants me. I feel like I'm getting further from what He wants for me, but what do I know? Ideally, I would LOVE to become a psychologist, but that means the next two years of college will be the worst two years of my life. I don't want that. I've already gone through the worst year of my life, I don't want another two.

Until next time, stay classy folks.

I'm a Big Kid Now

The last couple of days have been full of fun and firsts. My mom and dad came up on Friday and helped us move in. What an adventure that was! It was sprinkling all day, but that was so much better than blistering heat! It was so nice to see my parents again. We took them out to dinner Friday night and it was wonderful. I miss my parents more than I lead on. I feel like I grew up too quickly.

If you would have told me the day I left Missouri for college Freshman year would be the last time I'd live in Missouri, I'd say you were crazy. God works in unpredictable ways and I truly appreciate every surprise around the corner. Who knows what this summer alone will bring!

Sadly, my dad left Saturday afternoon and my mom left Monday morning, so the time was limited. I had a wonderful time with both parents, but it wasn't long enough. I'll be home for the 4th of July for a week or so to see my family again. I already can't wait!

Since my mom left on Monday, Eryn and I have organized our apartment and started decorating. Though it is pretty bare so far, it feels like home. It's a weird feeling knowing I am responsible for my life now; my food, shelter, clothing, everything. I pretty much did that since I got my first job at 16, my I always had my mom to bail me out if I needed it. Now, my name is on the lease and it's my responsibility. I can't believe it.

I have a couple more days off work and I am excited to have the time off. This semester was unnecessarily busy. I am looking forward to a couple days of relaxation. I cannot wait.

Goals for the summer:

1. Start and finish 5 books.
2. Run/train for my half-marathon in October.
3. Eat healthfully once again.
4. Spend more time with friends.
5. Spend more one-on-one time with God.

Well, that's all I have for now! More to come soon!

Life is Becoming More Real

A lot of things changed for me tonight. The first, Osama's death, marked a milestone for the United States. A couple of things have come from this. The first, that this is going to be an event where people ask one another, "where were you when you found out about Osama Bin Ladin's death?" I, personally, was in a vitaminwater AMA meeting finalizing our BIG presentation to Coke tomorrow.

The second thing that arises from this is fear. For me, fear for those who do not know Christ. I am realizing, day by day, that the end is near. Things like this, where the USA has found justice in a time of strife, is something that could mark the beginning of the end. It is scary to think of for myself as well, because I know I must change things in my life NOW.

I have not been devoted to my bible like I should be. Not at all. I am so distant from God right now that I cannot understand why I am still functioning. But that is changing RIGHT NOW. I have placed false idols (food, studying) in the way of worshiping and praising God. That is not what God wants for me or any of his children. He wants us to be disciples and spread his joyful message. He wants us to read His word so that we can develop that personal relationship with Him. He wants us to put Him first, because it is the least we can do for the sacrifices Jesus made on the cross for us.

So why is it soooooooo hard for me?

This, I must pray about. I must worship God to the fullest and learn to love others daily.

Love.

I have said this word to three people in my life: my mom, my dad, and my first love. I don't just throw this word around. But I see so many younger people today use it like it is their favorite color. I wish we would respect that word because it carries a great deal of emotion alongside it.

However,

God calls us to love one another. Love our enemies. And, I do not. I struggle loving my twin sister daily. Growing up, love was something I had to earn from my parents, thus others had to earn from me. That is not what God teaches. I am turning over a new leaf and going a week without verbalizing a single negative thing about another person. This is going to be tough, but it shouldn't be. If I am verbalizing bad things often, I am thinking about them even more. Baby steps.