Guys and Dolls

Why are guys easier to be around than girls? Is it because they simply don't care? Or is it that girls may be just too "girly"? At any rate, I had an unfortunate realization yesterday: I just don't know how to hang out with girls. I have no idea what to talk about besides guys and clothes.

There is so much more to life than just girly things. Like the fact that the final round of the Australian Open is playing this evening with Djokovic. Or the fact that God knows how to bless those who notice. The fact that it is 65 degrees back home and my mom is loving the weather. There are just so many other great things to life that I refuse to hold myself back.

Tonight Susan, Eryn, Kody, and I are going to International Night on campus. It sounds like a great opportunity to learn about different cultures.

I'm currently listening to Jump5 and a song I haven't heard in ages is on. I love the words in the chorus:

"I love you too much. I love you just the way you are. I love you too much to ever let you down. I love you too much. You know I wanna wrap my heart around you. I love you too much to ever let you go.'

This is God speaking to us. How we can constantly screw up and He still unconditionally loves us. I look forward to the day when I can feel this about someone else. We can share our lives together while we share our time here on Earth.

The Power of Prayer

Right now, I am on the verge of better things. I can feel God working in my life.

For the past month, I have experienced anxiety, or that's what I'm going to call it. I have gone through days where my heart was beating so fast my chest hurt constantly. I was out of breath and jumpy-every little thing set me off. I even had trouble sleeping because I was afraid something bad would happen if I fell asleep.

After suffering for long enough, I finally laid it all out to God with others from Clarity. I surrendered my worries and asked God to take care of them for me. I was finished with feeling terribly for a month straight. I was finished with wishing each day would end, so I wouldn't have to feel terrible.

Thursday evening ended like a normal day. However, I woke up on Friday different. Generally within the first hour of being awake my chest would unbearably hurt. This didn't happen. Not in one hour...two hours....five hours....all day. For the first time in almost a month, I didn't have chest pain in an entire day. Was it the work of God? Absolutely.

Today has been wonderful as well. I felt a little uneasy around dinnertime when I was doing homework, but it soon went away as I preoccupied myself. I must say God answers prayers. He really does.

After my faith has been proven right in front of my eyes, I know there is something else I need to rely on God for. My overeating. I have fallen so deep that I struggle to get out. This just means I have been relying on myself only and leaving God out of the picture. However, this is not going to happen anymore. I am turning over a new leaf right now. I am giving up everything for God and I ask that he control my urges when I simply cannot.

Day one will be when I wake up tomorrow morning. Everything will be different. I will have the will and power to get through this because I know I have the support I need.

Snow Day and Sisterly Bonding

What a great sisterly bonding day today. Eryn and I started off our day with taking Cheeto (my mom's kitten) to the vet. He is at that age where his man parts need to be removed before his hormones start raging.

So we loaded the cat carrier and he was a great trooper. He was quiet the entire fifteen-minute drive the vet, only meowing once. When we dropped him off, the women there loved his huge eyes and his obedience. He really is a great kitty.

We came home and worked out, showered, and got ready to go to Springfield. The roads were not great today, but Springfield schools were still in session, so there wasn't much traffic when we made it into town. We went straight to PetLand on Battlefield to find Cheeto a new collar. He has lost two collars in the past week and a half, so we went searching for a more reliable one.

PetLand is awesome. There are hundreds of leashes in every pattern you could ever imagine. There are also live reptiles, fish, ferrets, birds, hamsters, rabbits, and puppies. There were so many adorable puppies of all kinds, that we had to go up to each cage and look at each one. I decided if I were to get a dog when I get older, I want one that doesn't get large, like a pug or beagle.

We found a light blue collar that looks fabulous on Cheeto. This one will be harder for him to take off.

We then had lunch at WhichWich, my favorite place to eat. You can customize any sandwich you have ever dreamed and they will make it for you, exactly as you order. In addition, the food just tastes darn good. What more can you ask for? I hope Iowa gets one in the future. My life will then be complete.

We then had lattes at Fog City Coffee, a small coffee shop in Springfield. However, don't let size deceive you. The coffee at Fog City is to die for. I love it. It is the second best coffee (next to Caribou Coffee) I have ever tasted.

Eryn and I meandered our way to The Palace to see Unstoppable. It was a great movie.I would highly recommend it if you enjoy intense action mixed with incredible acting.

This evening, we relaxed and baked some cookies. They are definitely good enough to fit in our future cookbook. One day, this cookbook will come together and we WILL get it published. This is a dream of mine. Hey, for a small-town young woman from Missouri, this is a big dream. I do believe dreams come true.

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."-Les Brown

An Awakening

It's hard to hold onto something you have forced yourself to stay attached to. The purpose of high school graduation was to move onto a new life. A new life that forced me to drop everything and move 330 miles away from home, on the drop of a dime. The kind of move that I know God wanted for my life.

For the first year of college, I did just that. I finally found who I was. I found who I want to be. I found what I want in life. I found more about who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Most of all, I became the closest to God I have ever been.

But this summer, something changed. I became insecure. I became distant from people. I became distant from God. I became the person I always feared I would become.

After all the progress I made during my first year of college, I have completely backtracked. Backtracked to the point where I hit rock bottom, almost literally, as this last semester ended. I don't know what happened. I don't know how I could have fallen so far away from enjoying life, people, and school.

For the first time since my first year in college, I feel free. I want to be around others, I want to be closer to God. I want to read my textbooks ahead of time and go bowling just because. I want to stay up late catching up with friends I haven't seen in almost a year. I want to be the person God aspires for me.

Something happened today to change all of that. I can't explain what it is, because I honestly don't know. All I can say is that the work of God is upon me.

This semester is going to be the best semester yet. I can feel it. I know God always has great things in store for me and I can't wait to see how He is going to use me.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:3

Laziness: all in a Day's Work

I realized most of my friends are working during their Christmas break. I, however, am not. In most cases, I would consider myself a hardcore slacker, but not this break. I need some time off.

This semester was not fun for me. I can count the times I left the dorm for reasons other than work or church. Well, roughly speaking anyway. Nobody's perfect. Here it goes:

• Bowling once
• Playing cards with church girls 3 times
• Saw a movie (though it was for class, I still enjoyed it)
• Went to eat off campus roughly five times

What an exciting semester. Wow-za. I hope to be just as exciting next semester! I know it will more exciting. I mean, how can you not have an amazing semester while taking abnormal psychology?!

This evening I saw more movies than I did the entire semester. I saw Devil, a horror by M. Night Shayamlan that I actually enjoyed. I loved the storyline and the loose connection to Christianity. Double bonus!

I also watched Dinner for Schmucks. I have all ready seen it, but this time it was funnier. I think that happens quite often in comedies. They are funnier the second time because you know more about the character the second time around.

The Boys of the Year

I thought about why I currently do not have a boyfriend. I recently became depressed because I felt unloved, realizing I had not been in relationship in a year and a half. I also felt as though there are no guys in my life worth dating.

However, this could not be farther from the truth. I made a list of the guys in my life in some sort of romantic way from December 2009 to December 2010. I came up 13. That's right, 13. How sad. Here is a story for each of the guys, each with their names changed.

Gate B. I was head over heels for this guy from Drake. He was what I thought I always wanted, but turned out to be more than I could handle. We talked in person occasionally, but never went further than friends. Looking back now, I would never date this guy. But let's just say, I was close to obsessed.

Drake T. He was my best friend at Drake. We told each other everything and I was there for him when he would come back from partying, making sure he was okay. However, he started to express feelings for me pretty quickly and hoped I felt the same. Unfortunately, I only saw him as a friend. We don't talk like we used to, but we have recently patched things up.

Sake. We have been friends since high school and we are quite close. I mean, we have gone through some rough times. However, he expressed feelings for me before his girlfriend, then after his girlfriend. Unfortunately, I don't feel the same for him. Even though we talk nearly every day, I know I constantly hurt him because I don't express the same feelings for him. I hope he realizes one day he will find "the one" who is even better than me.

Derek. I am not sure how we met and became friends. He quickly became friends with my sister's boyfriend and the four of us hung out a couple of times. He was my buddy to hang with when Eryn was with her boyfriend. However, he told my sister that he had fallen for me and I was utterly shocked when I found out. I came clean and told him I didn't feel the same. The best part was that he was 100% understanding and wanted to continue our friendship. We are friends to this day, thankfully.

Tosh. This one is probably the hardest to write about. I met him at church and realized quickly how great of a guy he is. On Valentine's Day, we went on a date and I saw our relationship going somewhere. We talked until 3a.m. that night. However, I just didn't have feelings for him. There was no chemistry on my part whatsoever. He is a great individual and a wonderful Christian. The date after our "date," I broke the news to him that I felt we were better as friends and he didn't understand. In fact, almost a year after that date, he told me he felt I was "the one" God put on this Earth for him to marry. That is a great burden to place on someone, especially if they don't feel the same. We are still friends, but our friendship has greatly suffered because of the unmatched feelings. I genuinely hope things will become better between us one day.

Leric. I met this guy in one of my organizations. I liked how we had so much in common, so we texted for a couple of weeks straight before he asked me on a date. I said yes, thinking there could be something between us. Unfortunately, the date was amazing, but I realized he was not for me. I pretty much cut off ties with him and left him in the dust, which I have noticed is a common characteristic between some of the guys. We are still friends and openly talk about everything, but I know things could be better if I had not blown him off like I did.

Tuke. He was the opposite of everything I have ever wanted. Lead singer of a band, a smoker, a non-Christian....the list goes on. But for some reason, we flirted right off the bat and our personalities click. We hung out a couple of times and he brought me as a date to one of his shows. I really liked this guy, though I knew I shouldn't have. He even expressed interest in me, but he did not want to date me. Looking back now, I am very grateful he turned me down because we would not have been good together. He is still a great friend and I am glad nothing is different between us.

Drake M. I met him while visiting a friend in Missouri over spring break. He was one of those people that you instantly notice when he walks into a room. We reconnected at a national SIFE event and talked for two months straight constantly. I started developing feelings for him, but shied away from him because he was five hours away. I regret this because I know we would have been good together. Fortunately, we just started again about a week ago. Things may be better this time. Certain things are worth a second chance.

Jeff. I met this guy at church. He has the cutest dimples, the sweetest personality and the shyest attitude. Unfortunately, he was too-good-to-be-true. I pretty much admired him from afar, wishing things would change between us. Some things are just not meant to be. He will make some woman very happy one day.

Salem. He quickly showed interest in me within the first minute of meeting him at church. However, he was not my type. The obsessive antics quickly turned me away. I even "forgot" to say yes to his friend request for several weeks on facebook, though he continued to remind me every time he spoke to me. He asked for my number and I said yes, trying to be nice. Luckily, he never texted me, which was my greatest fear. He is one of those you just have to watch out for.

Gate W. This guy deserves several pages for him alone. I met him at church over the summer and quickly found his personality addictive. I was instantly attracted to him in every way and felt he was worth pursuing. He even got my number and we texted for several weeks straight, though he said he hated texting. We hung out one evening for 5 hours or so, just talking. I was the happiest girl in the world at the end of that evening. I realized he was everything I was looking for and more. Unfortunately, he left for Minnesota for college and we have rarely spoken since then. I still think he is a wonderful human being. If our paths cross again someday, maybe things will go further. I KNOW he will make a very lucky woman insanely happy one day.

Ian. I met him at church in the fall. Though I was never interested in him, we went a couple of weeks where we spoke several times a day for hours at a time. Those around me told me he must have had feelings for me, but I beg to differ. I spoke with him just to see where things would end up, with no outcome in sight. Things have not progressed from there, but it was fun while it lasted.

Rick. I met him while working on a group project for Marketing. He is absolutely wonderful in every way. Nice, attractive, hilarious, intelligent, witty, charming, and a bowler (double bonus.) Heck, he is even obsessed with penguins, which I find extremely adorable. The problem here: he is taken. I would not expect anything less from him. Good guys like that don't just run around single. Though he expressed the rockiness of his relationship, I don't want to step in while they are together. If they stay together, great for him. If they don't, I hope to be the one to make him happy. Only time will tell with him.

In conclusion, this has been a very busy year. I only hope the next year brings an actual relationship where I can find love again. Who knows, maybe I have all ready met Mr. Right?