Where to go from Here?

A reality check hit me hard today: I need to ace the rest of my exams in order to earn another 4.0 this semester. Grades are the one thing I have always had. The one thing I have going for me at this moment, because I really don't have much else to set myself apart from others.

I am not trying to be pessimistic, but realistically, I don't know where to go from here. I am seriously falling apart in every sense of this phrase. I have succumbed to private tutoring for one of my classes which Eryn and my roommate literally passed with a 99%. In order to struggle with a 90% I need this extra help. In another class, my next two tests need to be 95% or higher, because the first two were 72% and 80% respectively. Another class that is based on the tests alone, I need to ace the final three tests and the final to receive an A.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

In addition to the grades, I used to be someone who would eat healthy no matter what. I just loved eating healthfully and took care in my body. I was not happy, but I was not disgusted with my body either. I am disgusted with my body now. I know I am better than this eating disorder that I currently have. I just don't know how to stop eating and my body is taking the brunt of it.

Lastly, I have cried at least every other day for the last three weeks, sometimes more often. What the heck is wrong with me? Kaila is supposed to be the happy, optimistic girl. The one with the contagious personality. The level-headed one who wasn't bothered by much. Now my life revolves around my problems, complaining, or negativity. I consciously try to turn things into positive thoughts, but right now, it is nearly impossible.

There went my "smarts," "body," and "happy personality." On top of this, I am worried about never getting married. I am so confused with what God wants in my life as far as a boyfriend goes and it worries me. I am surprisingly patient in waiting, but I wish I knew more about what I should be looking for. At any rate, what guy would be attracted to the mess I am in right now anyway?

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Phil 4:13