Why? Because one of my biggest fears is being too shy in a new situation. Let me explain. I got invited to go bowling tonight with Psi Chi (Psychology honors society) by a friend I sit by in my psychology classes. I am also in Psi Chi but my schedule hasn't allowed me to go to the club meetings.
Anyway, when she invited me, I initially told her it sounded fun but that I may be babysitting. Aka...I know have a scapegoat to get out of it without sounding like I don't want to go. Even if I got off from babysitting earlier, I knew I could use homework as an excuse and all would be well.
Here I sit, most of my week's homework done already, scared to death to go tonight. I will probably cling to my friend and be extremely quiet, like I typically am in new situations. I have made plans to go so I'm going. You are probably thinking, why are you scared to go bowling?
Here's the answer: I am afraid of social situations. Not just afraid, but I spend hours worrying about social situations where I am new and don't know many people. Hence why I dropped my marketing major: networking scares me to death and it is a requirement every semester for marketing majors at Drake.
I fear this is perceived wrong to others. For instance, I went to church on Tuesday to help clean out the ball bit at Kid's Block after I got done babysitting. When I got there, I found Matt, my comforter, and clung to him. It's not that I don't like the others whatsoever. In fact, I love the people I go to church with, I am just afraid to approach them. I've even known some of these people for 2.5 years and I still fall back into shyness.
Here's another example: after I dropped the girls off and was done babysitting, Dannie, their dad, invited me to dinner. I immediately panicked because that sounded scary and simply horrible. Not because of the people, but because of the new situation. I didn't mean to lie, but I told him I had a meeting tonight. I really plan to go bowling instead, but neither event would interfere with another.
Why do I do this? I scare myself so intensely that I almost cannot think of anything else. I know everyone else will have a blast bowling tonight, so I should as well. I am going because I have to get over my fear. I have no other reason to skip out besides this fear. It's horrible.
I met with a friend a couple of weekends ago for coffee. She told me one thing she recently learned is that fear is not from God, but from our humanly sins. God even says "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" in Isaiah 41:10. My friend is right...all of these fears I am having are solely from me not relying on God. It's difficult to overcome, but I am going to try my hardest to have a wonderful time tonight.
This may seem like a silly fear, but it is something I really struggle with. I'll get over it and all will be well, I know it will be. I just wish I could gain the courage to step out and approach even someone I know well for first time in years. I can't even think of the last time I have initiated a conversation in person with anyone besides Matt or Eryn. God, please give me the strength to have a good time tonight and enjoy the company of others.
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