Numb

I am completely void of emotion right now. Numb. Feelingless.

I'm not sure why. I can't say I'm happy but I can't say I'm mad. Or even upset. I am just here and living. Not enjoying life, but pushing on by. Is this the way life is supposed to be? Or am I supposed to be feeling something more?

I know I have to stop working myself up on things that matter little in the long run. Sure, I would love a 4.0 this semester, but it just isn't going to happen. It just isn't. But I also have the internship that hopefully will get me a job after college, so what am I worried about?

That brings me to the next concern in my life: my future career. I know I want to be a therapist, I know it. But I also know that I have been promised a job after I graduate college, and I still have two and a half years left. Who else can say that?

I ultimately want to go to Iowa State or the University of Iowa for the Ph.D. Psychology program. If I work hard enough in college, I can get an assistantship and pay zero for grad school. I cannot beat that. Unfortunately, I probably will not have time to work during grad school, there goes MassMutual.

It's just so complicated. I have to prepare for my GRE soon, because I need to take it in 18 months and it is no easy test.

The best part about all of this? I still have 18 months to worry about it. Right now, that is my motto. Just get through this semester and worry about life after that. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

Round Two

So I haven't written in a while because I haven't had time to write. Well, I have just filled my time with other things. Though writing is something I am passionate about, I do not find enough time to fit that in my schedule.

I started my new job at MassMutual Financial Group on Monday morning. I work from 7:30 am to 9:00 am everyday before my classes start at 9:30. Then the rest of my day goes until generally 10 pm or so, when I can find time to do some homework. Then rest for a little while and repeat.

Now this job couldn't have come at a better (or worse) time. Better in the sense that I found what I was looking for, finally. I knew I wanted this job the minute I applied for it and wouldn't settle for anything less than obtaining it. Now, my first week on the job was not the best timing. This week, I had a test Monday, a test Tuesday, two tests Thursday, and another test this coming Tuesday. So I was getting up early (6:15ish) for work, then would be exhausted by 10 pm and had to sleep, knowing I had to do it all over again. Needless to say, studying for the tests took backseat.

I am ready for this semester to be over. I have never wanted something to end more in my entire life. I honestly have no clue what God is teaching me with handing me a semester like this one, but I know I cannot have more semesters like this. Well, I may not have a choice.

Currently, I am taking 16 credit hours with three part-time jobs and an executive position in three organizations. That is stretching myself a little too thin, I think. Next semester, I am taking 18 credit hours, dropping down to two part-time jobs plus 10 hours of weekly psychology lab duty, and continuing the three organizations. At least I am done by 2 on Thursdays next semester.

Why do I put myself through this? I deserve to have free time every once in awhile. I really do.

My health, of all things, is suffering the most, unfortunately. I have decided I am going to take better care of myself; I have to. I know I deserve to be happy and feel good about myself again, and writing it down is going to do nothing. I need to actually commit to discipline in my eating and sleeping habits, starting right now.

The first step is shutting off my computer and getting a full eight hours of sleep. With that being said, I am going to call this a night and hopefully get back on tomorrow to update my progress. I feel writing will push me to be more accountable in my actions and finally make a change for the better.

Ciao!

Realizing the Problem

I am a strong believer in the motto: "The first step is admitting it." I am talking specifically with a problem, addiction, or struggle in a person's life.

For me, this problem is Compulsive Overeating. I have decided to share my journey with you on how I am overcoming this feat, one day at a time, in hopes that someone will be helped through my journey.

On Monday evening, I came back from a late meeting, and sat in my room, with many things I should have been doing. However, the one thing that I could do that would take these worries away was eat.

Now this wasn't just eating, this was a binge. From a pint of ice cream, to several cookies, to dry cereal. If it could be found in my dorm room, it was at risk of going into my mouth. Afterward, I felt terrible about it. Not physically, but emotionally. I knew this wasn't normal. I deserve better.

So I immediately reached out to a couple of resources to help me begin my journey. The first one was Overeater's Anonymous. This is a helpful website that offers resources such as pamphlets, connections, and support groups, all focused on overcoming compulsive overeating.

The OA website provides a twelve step solution program, twelve traditions, and nine tools to help with the healing process. This website is not just for over eaters, but for anyone who has an unhealthy relationship with food or an unhealthy body image.

One page on the website, was the realization that I have a problem and that I need help. Click here to see that same list of symptoms for overeating.

Another place to look for inspiration and support is the bible. If you have one near you at all times, that is a great comfort whenever a temptation arises. However, if you are online and are not near a bible, a great website to go to is Bible Gateway. You can look up different keywords and verses in several different translations to fit your preferences.

Now that I realize I have a problem, I am slowly taking steps to overcome it. With the support of my twin sister, Eryn, I am resisting temptation one day at a time. If an organized program is more of your style of recovery, I strongly urge you to look at Overeater's Anonymous.

I will close with my favorite bible verse that I say daily in order to help myself get through this process.

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13 NLT

Good luck on your journey and know there is someone going through the same thing as you. If you need support, have questions, or just would like to talk, feel free to contact me at my email here.

God bless.

Fellowship

Fellowship. What an amazing word.

Dictionary.com gives eight definitions, but I am referring to number four: communion, as between members of the same church. This evening's fellowship, however, consisted of members from two different churches: Capitol City and Saylorville.

I had a wonderful time with Eryn, Kody, and Mary on a beautiful night. What could be better than catered Smokey D's, a massive (too large) bonfire, 30ish Christian college students, and a marshmallow fight? I can't think of anything.

As I was looking further into the meaning of fellowship, definition number five also caught my eye: friendliness. What a perfect outlook on fellowship. I have grown up in the Baptist faith, where fellowship usually means friends, food, and fun. But think about this: what if we continued to look at fellowship as a synonym for friendliness? Does that change what we think of fellowship?

In my mind, nothing changes. This is because I find it hard to be anything but friendly when I am around fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I like looking at fellowship in a way that is more inviting, more comforting, more of everything I am irresistibly in love with about God and my faith.

God bless fellowship. God bless faith, friends, fun, and friendliness as well.

Where to go from Here?

A reality check hit me hard today: I need to ace the rest of my exams in order to earn another 4.0 this semester. Grades are the one thing I have always had. The one thing I have going for me at this moment, because I really don't have much else to set myself apart from others.

I am not trying to be pessimistic, but realistically, I don't know where to go from here. I am seriously falling apart in every sense of this phrase. I have succumbed to private tutoring for one of my classes which Eryn and my roommate literally passed with a 99%. In order to struggle with a 90% I need this extra help. In another class, my next two tests need to be 95% or higher, because the first two were 72% and 80% respectively. Another class that is based on the tests alone, I need to ace the final three tests and the final to receive an A.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

In addition to the grades, I used to be someone who would eat healthy no matter what. I just loved eating healthfully and took care in my body. I was not happy, but I was not disgusted with my body either. I am disgusted with my body now. I know I am better than this eating disorder that I currently have. I just don't know how to stop eating and my body is taking the brunt of it.

Lastly, I have cried at least every other day for the last three weeks, sometimes more often. What the heck is wrong with me? Kaila is supposed to be the happy, optimistic girl. The one with the contagious personality. The level-headed one who wasn't bothered by much. Now my life revolves around my problems, complaining, or negativity. I consciously try to turn things into positive thoughts, but right now, it is nearly impossible.

There went my "smarts," "body," and "happy personality." On top of this, I am worried about never getting married. I am so confused with what God wants in my life as far as a boyfriend goes and it worries me. I am surprisingly patient in waiting, but I wish I knew more about what I should be looking for. At any rate, what guy would be attracted to the mess I am in right now anyway?

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Phil 4:13

No Time for Stress in my Life

I need to clear my head and it seems writing is a temporary solution to this problem. I have been extremely stressed lately and my health is suffering from this. I can't continue on this path because there are long-term consequences that could result.

I have too many things to worry about, but I'd rather not talk about them. When I do, it seems my stress level escalates, which is never a good thing. I am starting a program tomorrow to see what I can do to reduce my stress level.

The funny thing is, if I were to explain what is making me stressed, many would probably laugh. I have very few things to worry about in life, seriously. I have been so blessed that I guess I don't know how to handle small stresses in my life. I am ready to make a healthy change in my life.

What is also funny, is that I have contemplated seeing a therapist about reducing anxiety in my life. I looked up Psychologists in the area, and to my surprise, they charge roughly $100 per 50 minute session. Wow-za that is a lot of dough. I definitely cannot afford that. However, I plan to be on the other side of that in a couple of years, so I cannot complain. I will be relying on that for my income in the future.

Boy I can't wait to graduate from grad school and get my life on the road. How awesome will that be? I just found out today that I will be able to graduate in four years with a double degree in Psychology and Marketing. Yay! This is the best news I could have received. Iowa State Psychology program, here I come!

You Stay the Same Through the Ages

Sometimes I just wish I had all of the answers. I wish I could see into the future before any decision I make, just to assess the consequences. Why do I worry, with God always there. I am reminded of a line in the song Your Love Never Fails by Jesus Culture:

"You make all things work together for my good."

Yet still I worry. One example I can think of clearly is my recent purchase of a new car. At the time, during the summer, I really thought I needed another car. I mean, I am 19 years old, I think I have worked hard enough to have a car to my name. So, my greediness, and fear of being stranded sometime, convinced my mind I needed another car. So I bought one. Problem solved.

Since the purchase, one thing after another after another has come up, causing my money supply to diminish. I wonder if God is telling me that choice was entirely selfish and I should have been content with what I had. Now I am with two cars, only one of which I can drive at any given time, leaving another one in the parking lot. I realize Eryn and I have needed two cars probably a handful of times since the car purchase, but it hasn't been too serious.

So, I sit here, on a Saturday night, wondering what if because of the car.

In other news, the Drake volleyball team is AWESOME. Eryn, Kody, Mary, Bill, and I went to see a game last night versus Bradley. Oh my word, I cannot describe how much I miss volleyball after watching them play. Eryn and I commented on the entire game, from good plays to bad, like we knew everything about the game.

Then I think, why on Earth did I stop playing cold turkey? I loved playing in high school, regardless of my inability to play well. I can set a decent set every once in a while and get lucky on an ace serve. Other than that, I just purely enjoyed the competition. I have decided, if I have a daughter that is relatively tall, I will toss around the idea for her to try volleyball. If she doesn't like it, that's completely fine. But if she likes it, I can live vicariously through her, right?

:) With that I say, "there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning."