Realizing the Problem

I am a strong believer in the motto: "The first step is admitting it." I am talking specifically with a problem, addiction, or struggle in a person's life.

For me, this problem is Compulsive Overeating. I have decided to share my journey with you on how I am overcoming this feat, one day at a time, in hopes that someone will be helped through my journey.

On Monday evening, I came back from a late meeting, and sat in my room, with many things I should have been doing. However, the one thing that I could do that would take these worries away was eat.

Now this wasn't just eating, this was a binge. From a pint of ice cream, to several cookies, to dry cereal. If it could be found in my dorm room, it was at risk of going into my mouth. Afterward, I felt terrible about it. Not physically, but emotionally. I knew this wasn't normal. I deserve better.

So I immediately reached out to a couple of resources to help me begin my journey. The first one was Overeater's Anonymous. This is a helpful website that offers resources such as pamphlets, connections, and support groups, all focused on overcoming compulsive overeating.

The OA website provides a twelve step solution program, twelve traditions, and nine tools to help with the healing process. This website is not just for over eaters, but for anyone who has an unhealthy relationship with food or an unhealthy body image.

One page on the website, was the realization that I have a problem and that I need help. Click here to see that same list of symptoms for overeating.

Another place to look for inspiration and support is the bible. If you have one near you at all times, that is a great comfort whenever a temptation arises. However, if you are online and are not near a bible, a great website to go to is Bible Gateway. You can look up different keywords and verses in several different translations to fit your preferences.

Now that I realize I have a problem, I am slowly taking steps to overcome it. With the support of my twin sister, Eryn, I am resisting temptation one day at a time. If an organized program is more of your style of recovery, I strongly urge you to look at Overeater's Anonymous.

I will close with my favorite bible verse that I say daily in order to help myself get through this process.

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13 NLT

Good luck on your journey and know there is someone going through the same thing as you. If you need support, have questions, or just would like to talk, feel free to contact me at my email here.

God bless.

Fellowship

Fellowship. What an amazing word.

Dictionary.com gives eight definitions, but I am referring to number four: communion, as between members of the same church. This evening's fellowship, however, consisted of members from two different churches: Capitol City and Saylorville.

I had a wonderful time with Eryn, Kody, and Mary on a beautiful night. What could be better than catered Smokey D's, a massive (too large) bonfire, 30ish Christian college students, and a marshmallow fight? I can't think of anything.

As I was looking further into the meaning of fellowship, definition number five also caught my eye: friendliness. What a perfect outlook on fellowship. I have grown up in the Baptist faith, where fellowship usually means friends, food, and fun. But think about this: what if we continued to look at fellowship as a synonym for friendliness? Does that change what we think of fellowship?

In my mind, nothing changes. This is because I find it hard to be anything but friendly when I am around fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I like looking at fellowship in a way that is more inviting, more comforting, more of everything I am irresistibly in love with about God and my faith.

God bless fellowship. God bless faith, friends, fun, and friendliness as well.

Where to go from Here?

A reality check hit me hard today: I need to ace the rest of my exams in order to earn another 4.0 this semester. Grades are the one thing I have always had. The one thing I have going for me at this moment, because I really don't have much else to set myself apart from others.

I am not trying to be pessimistic, but realistically, I don't know where to go from here. I am seriously falling apart in every sense of this phrase. I have succumbed to private tutoring for one of my classes which Eryn and my roommate literally passed with a 99%. In order to struggle with a 90% I need this extra help. In another class, my next two tests need to be 95% or higher, because the first two were 72% and 80% respectively. Another class that is based on the tests alone, I need to ace the final three tests and the final to receive an A.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

In addition to the grades, I used to be someone who would eat healthy no matter what. I just loved eating healthfully and took care in my body. I was not happy, but I was not disgusted with my body either. I am disgusted with my body now. I know I am better than this eating disorder that I currently have. I just don't know how to stop eating and my body is taking the brunt of it.

Lastly, I have cried at least every other day for the last three weeks, sometimes more often. What the heck is wrong with me? Kaila is supposed to be the happy, optimistic girl. The one with the contagious personality. The level-headed one who wasn't bothered by much. Now my life revolves around my problems, complaining, or negativity. I consciously try to turn things into positive thoughts, but right now, it is nearly impossible.

There went my "smarts," "body," and "happy personality." On top of this, I am worried about never getting married. I am so confused with what God wants in my life as far as a boyfriend goes and it worries me. I am surprisingly patient in waiting, but I wish I knew more about what I should be looking for. At any rate, what guy would be attracted to the mess I am in right now anyway?

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Phil 4:13

No Time for Stress in my Life

I need to clear my head and it seems writing is a temporary solution to this problem. I have been extremely stressed lately and my health is suffering from this. I can't continue on this path because there are long-term consequences that could result.

I have too many things to worry about, but I'd rather not talk about them. When I do, it seems my stress level escalates, which is never a good thing. I am starting a program tomorrow to see what I can do to reduce my stress level.

The funny thing is, if I were to explain what is making me stressed, many would probably laugh. I have very few things to worry about in life, seriously. I have been so blessed that I guess I don't know how to handle small stresses in my life. I am ready to make a healthy change in my life.

What is also funny, is that I have contemplated seeing a therapist about reducing anxiety in my life. I looked up Psychologists in the area, and to my surprise, they charge roughly $100 per 50 minute session. Wow-za that is a lot of dough. I definitely cannot afford that. However, I plan to be on the other side of that in a couple of years, so I cannot complain. I will be relying on that for my income in the future.

Boy I can't wait to graduate from grad school and get my life on the road. How awesome will that be? I just found out today that I will be able to graduate in four years with a double degree in Psychology and Marketing. Yay! This is the best news I could have received. Iowa State Psychology program, here I come!

You Stay the Same Through the Ages

Sometimes I just wish I had all of the answers. I wish I could see into the future before any decision I make, just to assess the consequences. Why do I worry, with God always there. I am reminded of a line in the song Your Love Never Fails by Jesus Culture:

"You make all things work together for my good."

Yet still I worry. One example I can think of clearly is my recent purchase of a new car. At the time, during the summer, I really thought I needed another car. I mean, I am 19 years old, I think I have worked hard enough to have a car to my name. So, my greediness, and fear of being stranded sometime, convinced my mind I needed another car. So I bought one. Problem solved.

Since the purchase, one thing after another after another has come up, causing my money supply to diminish. I wonder if God is telling me that choice was entirely selfish and I should have been content with what I had. Now I am with two cars, only one of which I can drive at any given time, leaving another one in the parking lot. I realize Eryn and I have needed two cars probably a handful of times since the car purchase, but it hasn't been too serious.

So, I sit here, on a Saturday night, wondering what if because of the car.

In other news, the Drake volleyball team is AWESOME. Eryn, Kody, Mary, Bill, and I went to see a game last night versus Bradley. Oh my word, I cannot describe how much I miss volleyball after watching them play. Eryn and I commented on the entire game, from good plays to bad, like we knew everything about the game.

Then I think, why on Earth did I stop playing cold turkey? I loved playing in high school, regardless of my inability to play well. I can set a decent set every once in a while and get lucky on an ace serve. Other than that, I just purely enjoyed the competition. I have decided, if I have a daughter that is relatively tall, I will toss around the idea for her to try volleyball. If she doesn't like it, that's completely fine. But if she likes it, I can live vicariously through her, right?

:) With that I say, "there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning."

Summer Plans

So far this week, I have had more free time than the entire school year thus far combined. In other words, I have had the time to read a magazine, just because, read my bible any time of the day, and watch a TV show when it actually aired on TV. What a concept.

Through part of my time, I have found an executable idea for this summer. Eryn referred me to www.etsy.com, a website where entrepreneurs can sell their crafts, baked goods, etc. It's like a crafty craigslist. A lightbulb went off in my mind.

I LOVE to bake. It doesn't matter what, I just love doing it. Other people love to eat baked goods. I love to eat healthy, thus bake healthfully. There is a health movement going on in society right now. Putting everything together, I think I could sell baked goods made of healthier ingredients, but not compromising taste.

Over the summer, I generally have more time to spend baking, and I have less income. Thus, I could build my own commerce site where I can sell my baked goods to anyone who would like them. If anything, I would enjoy designing the website and gain more experience in the business world. Not to mention, with Eryn's help, neither of us would get overwhelmed with the workload. Mary even likes the idea and said she would consider adding things she calls her specialties.

We may be onto something here.

My plans for the next couple of months are to compile healthy recipes, test them out, and design a website for said website. Then, when summer rolls around, I will have most of the work done. Ahh, I am excited all ready.

Counting the Blessings in my Life

I could not possibly be happier in my life than I am right now. The trials of this past week have forced me to become closer to my Lord and Savior, which, of course, is a good thing.

After losing a close friend, I have realized God has a larger purpose for everyone than we can imagine. Though my selfishness wants him to be back here on Earth, I know his is happy at home with God. How cool is that?

After dealing with that stress and the stress of studying for four tests, I relied on my bible for support. I always made time to read it every morning, because it was the only thing that was certain. The only thing that was true and predictable. The only thing that I can find peace with, even in the hard times.

Now that an entire seven days since Cliffton passed, I realize how long my week has been. How everyday I remembered little things that reminded me of Cliffton. Even just thinking about things with SIFE, I know I wouldn't be as involved as I am without him.

As I reflect during this entry, I am also so thankful for those in my life who never give up on me. At times when I am too busy to even eat (if you know me, that is insanely busy) those friends are patient and understand. What would I do without you? If you are reading this, chances are, you are one of them. :)

Even on rainy days like this when the bottom three inches of my pants are soaked from my grocery trip to Hy-Vee, I am thankful for the rain. Without days like this, I would never find the time to bake brownies and sit with my other half appreciating the little things in life. Life. Is. Great.