Soaking Wet and Smiling

I don't know what it is, but something changed during spring break. Something about me is completely different than the old "me." More like, I now have a fun side. 

Tonight, I sat through my first senate meeting for nearly 2 hours and listened to many open views about diversity acceptance. I really appreciate hearing these different views. Likewise, I stood up and convince our student body why they need to provide us with funds to go to SIFE Regionals. This was a great experience for all of my SIFE team members that were present. 

During said meeting, I was completely oblivious to the weather outside. When we got outside, we contemplated what we needed to do to make it back on the other side of campus. Let me tell you, this was no "walk in the park" type of rain. This was a "rain so hard your kids are going to feel it" type of rain, if you get my drift. Needless to say, we ran our hearts out across campus and got completely soaked. What on Earth caused me to do this? Matt can attest to this, but the number one thing I do not enjoy is being wet with my clothes on. 

I also just came to a realization that I am horrible at biology. I am taking Drugs and Behavior, which is a glorified biology class, and I am struggling to even get a B. I did horrible on my last test, which I just received the grade for less than 5 minutes ago, and I am a happy camper. So what that I am not going to graduate with a 4.0? I am not perfect and for so many years I have tried to appear that way, but failed miserably. Only Jesus can meet that expectation. 

I think letting your guard down is when you can finally live life again. I am going to stop worrying about doing well in my Drugs and Behavior class and start worrying about how I can be a better Christian, sister, girlfriend, friend, and daughter. Those things will matter much more in the rest of my life than getting an A in my Drugs and Behavior class. (By the way, it is a really difficult class if you don't like to learn how chemicals work in brain). 

I know this is not a new idea to anyone, but I have recently discovered it is definitely okay to let loose. I have so many things to be happy about. In the past week, I have received two major awards that I do not deserve. I found out my professors are impressed with me, though they have no idea how mediocre I really am. My mom told me she was proud of me. I have the boyfriend of my dreams. What more could I ask for?

So I am sitting here, at 12:30am waiting for Matt so we can Skype, and ignoring the fact that I have a lab at 8am tomorrow. Instead, I am going to rejoice that I can an amazing boyfriend who wants to Skype with me and a roof over my head. I can sleep some other time. 

Everyone Deserves a Break

Spring break is a time for many to relax, travel, and even spend oodles of money. I am not the type of person to relax. In fact, relaxing causes me more stress because I feel as though I could be doing something more productive. Traveling, well, does Southeast Des Moines count? Spending oodles of money is not going to happen either. In fact, I'm working full time this week. So I guess that's the opposite.

While sitting here, I realize I have been without Eryn since Friday around 1. I didn't even get to say goodbye before she left for home! Saturday, I spent the entire day doing homework and cooped up in my apartment. The only person I interacted with all day was the guy in front of me as I was returning a RedBox. Sunday, well Sunday was probably the perfect day.

Matt came over and we enjoyed our time together, like we used to when we had time over the summer. After church, he came over to my apartment. We baked brownies, took a walk at a nearby (janky) park, caught up on episodes of The Office and Modern Family, and played Yahtzee. I even had time to clean the house while Matt took a nap. It felt so comfortable spending an entire day with him. 

But of course, days like that just spoil me. Today, I knew Matt would work both jobs and I had to babysit during the day. So If I did see him, I knew it would be brief. While babysitting today, Hailey and Abby decided they wanted to make cupcakes and of course I jumped on the opportunity! They are becoming little bakers. :)

Hailey decided she wanted to give a cupcake to everyone she knows. She started listing off neighbor kids, her parents, her babysitter (yes!) and finally, Kaila's boyfriend, Matt. Hailey has a definite crush on Matt, which I find adorable. It makes me laugh that she wanted to make a cupcake for him and she did just that! Abby poured the cupcakes into the liners, Hailey frosted them when I took them out of the oven and their neighbor friend sprinkled the cupcakes. The whole process was adorable.

Hailey (left) places cupcakes on the tray Abby is holding.
Lauren, their best friend, directs the process.

Meanwhile, I was doing homework, just like I had planned. Especially since I didn't touch my homework at all on Sunday, I had to work hard today. I wanted to use this break to get way ahead in my classes and hopefully give time to study for exams and my finals later on. We'll see how that goes.

Anyway, back to the cupcakes. Hailey gave me a single cupcake to give to Matt tonight. By the way, I wasn't able to have one because Hailey asked if she could give mine to a neighbor. But she made sure Matt got one. So funny. Now that I had a cupcake, I realized I would just have to see Matt to give it to him. :)

So I stopped by Orange Leaf, as I often do, to get some froyo and see my favorite guy. He apparently liked them. They were made out of love from three girls. :)

Hailey (left) and Abby (right)

Honestly, I am having way more fun than I would have going to Vegas, Panama, or anywhere else. I love staying right here to watch these two amazing girls and spend quality time with them. I have the best job. Period. 

The Pressure's On

I need to write this for me. I apologize for those who read this for entertainment, but this post is solely to let out steam.

I realized yesterday that I work nearly full time (35 hours a week) and still go to school full time. I don't understand how I didn't see this before, but it's the truth. With that being said, I care very much about my grades. In fact, I only work so I can pay for school. That's it. However, I try to do my best at work. I don't want to be seen as a slacker or someone who just has each job to pay the bills, I want to be seen as someone who works hard.

Yesterday, I was scolded by my boss at one job for not meeting a deadline on her calendar. I didn't want to argue, but this honestly was not my fault. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I had to wait on the printing company to send me mailing materials, so I could send out invites to our alumni. The materials came 5 days late (on the day we were supposed to have them prepared and sent out). I didn't have time to work on them when they came, especially because I was off work and needed to work on homework. When I came into work yesterday, I was told to make sure it is completely finished and that it was all my fault. By the power of God, I was completely submissive and strong. I nodded and worked on it for 5 hours until it was finished.

I was angry, but being angry solved nothing. So I did what I had to do and felt terrible for her getting upset at me the entire time. If I could have fixed it, I would have.

Let's fast forward to the reason I am actually writing today. I just got out of my second exam for Drugs and Behavior, a class I am taking for my psychology major. As part of the major, we have to take at least one class in every section: development, behavior, clinical (my favorite), and biology (my least favorite). Of course this is my biology emphasis class and I am taking the lowest level (supposedly easiest) class in the biology section. I have come to one conclusion: I suck at biology-based classes.

I studied very well for the exam for today. I honestly knew my notes back and forth. I get to the test and completely blank. I have never done this for any class except this one. It's like I don't even recognize some terms on the exam. He also teaches it in a way where we have to know the large chemical processes and names back and forth, which kills me. I knew I disliked biology in high school.

Anyway, I got out of the exam realizing there is NO WAY I got an A on that. If I got a B, I will probably cry because that is also very unlikely. I NEED an A in that class for many reasons:

• I need a 4.0 from here on out to graduate with highest honors
• This is a LOWER LEVEL class which means it's an easy A for most people
• I am on the lower end of the class, which is unlike me. I am not used to being the only one that just doesn't get it. This is very frustrating.

Anyway, I have plans to talk to my professor after spring break to see what I can do to improve my grade. It genuinely frustrates me that I just don't get the material. 

I tell Matt this often, but I honestly can't wait until I graduate from Drake and go to grad school. It won't matter how well I do in grad school, because I won't have to worry about getting good grades while struggling for money to survive. I don't regret having to work this much to make ends meet, because I grew up this way. So this is nothing new. It's just one of those days for me that I wish I could be like the other 95% of Drake students who have daddy's credit card to pay for their luxuries, let alone just to survive. Maybe I could spend more time on my classes. Just maybe this wouldn't be an issue for me. Just maybe. 

Lessons Learned

Recently, I have been working in the two-year-old classroom at my church during Sunday mornings. Just from the couple of mornings I have worked, here are some lessons I have learned from two-year-olds:

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• When you gotta go, you gotta go. Potty time is a big deal.
• Boys can play in the kitchen too.
• Blowing bubbles is probably the easiest way to get a kid's attention.
• Getting kids to sit down for story time has to be a competition. Always.
• Toy guns made out of Legos are apparently "cool." That is, until Kaila tells them guns aren't nice and they shoot the gun at Kaila instead. Partial win.
• Gummy bears > Goldfish.
• Kids do not care what you call them. You can repeatedly call them the wrong name and they don't care.
• Kids fight to be the one that gets to sit in your lap during story time.
• Two-year-old boys already know how to flirt. 

I have also learned a couple of things from babysitting the girls, who are 4 to 8 years older than the two-year-olds.

• 10-year-olds can develop crushes. 
• 10-year-olds are also pretty good at manipulation.
• Sometimes, it's okay to have Girl Scout cookies for a snack. Sometimes. 
• Good Luck Charlie is actually about teenagers, no matter how much you may hear that it is actually about a baby. (If you don't know what this show is, click on the link).
• Asking a 10-year-old to read for 20 minutes is like asking her to walk to California and back without any water or food. It is pretty much the end of the world.
• Teenage shows are terribly distracting when trying to do homework for college classes.
• Going to school, then dance practice until 5:15, to come home and have free time for the rest of the night means you are terribly busy. 
• Being in first grade is TOTALLY different than being in kindergarten. 
• A child's innocence is one of the most under-appreciated traits in our world today.
• Dance > Basketball > Cheerleading
• Kesha and Nicky Minaj are cool, but Selena Gomez is not cool. High School Musical is also very uncool, even if they choose to watch it and are glued to the TV the entire movie. I'm glad that was cleared up so explicitly for me. 
• Kaila can be spelled: "Kayle" (close), "Caila" (getting closer) and my favorite, "Cala" (well, at least she is good at other things besides spelling). 

  

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  I am learning so much from watching the girls during the week and working with the two-year-olds on Sunday. I can't wait to be an aunt and a mommy someday. :)

A Blessing a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Today has been a great day for many reasons:

• I took my first test for Drugs and Behavior. Afterward, I feel confident that I got at least a B+, which is great considering it is biology, something I dislike greatly. We'll see when we get our tests back how I actually did, but I am optimistic.
• I got my test back for Theories of Personality that I took last week. I was one of 3 A's in the class, where the rest got B's or even C's. He said he graded easy, which could have been possible, but I still think mine went well. I feel confident I can get an A in this class.
• I brought in homework for my marketing class today to ask the professor if I am on the right track. I showed him my paper and within a second of seeing it, he said "yep, you're good. Great job. Just write about it and you're good." That is an awesome feeling, though I wasn't super surprised because the one thing I can do in this world is math.

....and it's raining. This is great for many reasons, but the best reason is that it means it is actually warm enough outside to rain. Not snow, but rain. What a great day!

Blessings come to those who notice. Today, I definitely noticed my blessings. 

Social Anxiety

My current feeling: fear.

Why? Because one of my biggest fears is being too shy in a new situation. Let me explain. I got invited to go bowling tonight with Psi Chi (Psychology honors society) by a friend I sit by in my psychology classes. I am also in Psi Chi but my schedule hasn't allowed me to go to the club meetings. 

Anyway, when she invited me, I initially told her it sounded fun but that I may be babysitting. Aka...I know have a scapegoat to get out of it without sounding like I don't want to go. Even if I got off from babysitting earlier, I knew I could use homework as an excuse and all would be well. 

Here I sit, most of my week's homework done already, scared to death to go tonight. I will probably cling to my friend and be extremely quiet, like I typically am in new situations. I have made plans to go so I'm going. You are probably thinking, why are you scared to go bowling?

Here's the answer: I am afraid of social situations. Not just afraid, but I spend hours worrying about social situations where I am new and don't know many people. Hence why I dropped my marketing major: networking scares me to death and it is a requirement every semester for marketing majors at Drake. 

I fear this is perceived wrong to others. For instance, I went to church on Tuesday to help clean out the ball bit at Kid's Block after I got done babysitting. When I got there, I found Matt, my comforter, and clung to him. It's not that I don't like the others whatsoever. In fact, I love the people I go to church with, I am just afraid to approach them. I've even known some of these people for 2.5 years and I still fall back into shyness.

Here's another example: after I dropped the girls off and was done babysitting, Dannie, their dad, invited me to dinner. I immediately panicked because that sounded scary and simply horrible. Not because of the people, but because of the new situation. I didn't mean to lie, but I told him I had a meeting tonight. I really plan to go bowling instead, but neither event would interfere with another. 

Why do I do this? I scare myself so intensely that I almost cannot think of anything else. I know everyone else will have a blast bowling tonight, so I should as well. I am going because I have to get over my fear. I have no other reason to skip out besides this fear. It's horrible.

I met with a friend a couple of weekends ago for coffee. She told me one thing she recently learned is that fear is not from God, but from our humanly sins. God even says "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" in Isaiah 41:10. My friend is right...all of these fears I am having are solely from me not relying on God. It's difficult to overcome, but I am going to try my hardest to have a wonderful time tonight. 

This may seem like a silly fear, but it is something I really struggle with. I'll get over it and all will be well, I know it will be. I just wish I could gain the courage to step out and approach even someone I know well for first time in years. I can't even think of the last time I have initiated a conversation in person with anyone besides Matt or Eryn. God, please give me the strength to have a good time tonight and enjoy the company of others. 

Babysitting Wonders

I have been the nanny for Abby and Hailey for a solid 2 weeks now. These girls are wonderful. They listen when I talk to them and they get along well. They are both very intelligent and enjoy the act of learning. Though they have different personalities, they both respect others and invest a lot of time in things they love.

Granted, these girls are 6 and 10, but they act as if they are much older. They know how to make their own dinner and can do the dishes on their own. Now, I don't make them do either task because I am there, but this is what they have told me.

Hailey and Abby are two very different people. Hailey is 10, is crafty, loves science, and can describe every nook and cranny of a place she's been to once. Hailey will also negotiate her way around any situation and give valid points as to why she should get her way. Let's just say this girl likes to talk.

Abby, on the other hand, is very quiet. Their parents weren't sure if Abby knew how to talk until recently because Hailey usually speaks for her. Abby loves to read and color, both of which she is good at. Abby also loves learning. If she doesn't understand something, she always asks questions. Though Abby is quiet, she will not put up with anyone or anything that bothers her. She will quietly leave the situation and do something else to occupy her time.

I enjoy watching these girls. They bring joy to my life. A joy that I hope to feel one day when I have my own children. The girls also make me things at school, which I think is the cutest. I have kept every single thing they have given me. In a later post, I will describe each one and the significance they bring to my life.

If things go well, I have a full time nanny job over the summer. That, I can handle. :)