An Awakening

It's hard to hold onto something you have forced yourself to stay attached to. The purpose of high school graduation was to move onto a new life. A new life that forced me to drop everything and move 330 miles away from home, on the drop of a dime. The kind of move that I know God wanted for my life.

For the first year of college, I did just that. I finally found who I was. I found who I want to be. I found what I want in life. I found more about who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Most of all, I became the closest to God I have ever been.

But this summer, something changed. I became insecure. I became distant from people. I became distant from God. I became the person I always feared I would become.

After all the progress I made during my first year of college, I have completely backtracked. Backtracked to the point where I hit rock bottom, almost literally, as this last semester ended. I don't know what happened. I don't know how I could have fallen so far away from enjoying life, people, and school.

For the first time since my first year in college, I feel free. I want to be around others, I want to be closer to God. I want to read my textbooks ahead of time and go bowling just because. I want to stay up late catching up with friends I haven't seen in almost a year. I want to be the person God aspires for me.

Something happened today to change all of that. I can't explain what it is, because I honestly don't know. All I can say is that the work of God is upon me.

This semester is going to be the best semester yet. I can feel it. I know God always has great things in store for me and I can't wait to see how He is going to use me.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:3

Laziness: all in a Day's Work

I realized most of my friends are working during their Christmas break. I, however, am not. In most cases, I would consider myself a hardcore slacker, but not this break. I need some time off.

This semester was not fun for me. I can count the times I left the dorm for reasons other than work or church. Well, roughly speaking anyway. Nobody's perfect. Here it goes:

• Bowling once
• Playing cards with church girls 3 times
• Saw a movie (though it was for class, I still enjoyed it)
• Went to eat off campus roughly five times

What an exciting semester. Wow-za. I hope to be just as exciting next semester! I know it will more exciting. I mean, how can you not have an amazing semester while taking abnormal psychology?!

This evening I saw more movies than I did the entire semester. I saw Devil, a horror by M. Night Shayamlan that I actually enjoyed. I loved the storyline and the loose connection to Christianity. Double bonus!

I also watched Dinner for Schmucks. I have all ready seen it, but this time it was funnier. I think that happens quite often in comedies. They are funnier the second time because you know more about the character the second time around.

The Boys of the Year

I thought about why I currently do not have a boyfriend. I recently became depressed because I felt unloved, realizing I had not been in relationship in a year and a half. I also felt as though there are no guys in my life worth dating.

However, this could not be farther from the truth. I made a list of the guys in my life in some sort of romantic way from December 2009 to December 2010. I came up 13. That's right, 13. How sad. Here is a story for each of the guys, each with their names changed.

Gate B. I was head over heels for this guy from Drake. He was what I thought I always wanted, but turned out to be more than I could handle. We talked in person occasionally, but never went further than friends. Looking back now, I would never date this guy. But let's just say, I was close to obsessed.

Drake T. He was my best friend at Drake. We told each other everything and I was there for him when he would come back from partying, making sure he was okay. However, he started to express feelings for me pretty quickly and hoped I felt the same. Unfortunately, I only saw him as a friend. We don't talk like we used to, but we have recently patched things up.

Sake. We have been friends since high school and we are quite close. I mean, we have gone through some rough times. However, he expressed feelings for me before his girlfriend, then after his girlfriend. Unfortunately, I don't feel the same for him. Even though we talk nearly every day, I know I constantly hurt him because I don't express the same feelings for him. I hope he realizes one day he will find "the one" who is even better than me.

Derek. I am not sure how we met and became friends. He quickly became friends with my sister's boyfriend and the four of us hung out a couple of times. He was my buddy to hang with when Eryn was with her boyfriend. However, he told my sister that he had fallen for me and I was utterly shocked when I found out. I came clean and told him I didn't feel the same. The best part was that he was 100% understanding and wanted to continue our friendship. We are friends to this day, thankfully.

Tosh. This one is probably the hardest to write about. I met him at church and realized quickly how great of a guy he is. On Valentine's Day, we went on a date and I saw our relationship going somewhere. We talked until 3a.m. that night. However, I just didn't have feelings for him. There was no chemistry on my part whatsoever. He is a great individual and a wonderful Christian. The date after our "date," I broke the news to him that I felt we were better as friends and he didn't understand. In fact, almost a year after that date, he told me he felt I was "the one" God put on this Earth for him to marry. That is a great burden to place on someone, especially if they don't feel the same. We are still friends, but our friendship has greatly suffered because of the unmatched feelings. I genuinely hope things will become better between us one day.

Leric. I met this guy in one of my organizations. I liked how we had so much in common, so we texted for a couple of weeks straight before he asked me on a date. I said yes, thinking there could be something between us. Unfortunately, the date was amazing, but I realized he was not for me. I pretty much cut off ties with him and left him in the dust, which I have noticed is a common characteristic between some of the guys. We are still friends and openly talk about everything, but I know things could be better if I had not blown him off like I did.

Tuke. He was the opposite of everything I have ever wanted. Lead singer of a band, a smoker, a non-Christian....the list goes on. But for some reason, we flirted right off the bat and our personalities click. We hung out a couple of times and he brought me as a date to one of his shows. I really liked this guy, though I knew I shouldn't have. He even expressed interest in me, but he did not want to date me. Looking back now, I am very grateful he turned me down because we would not have been good together. He is still a great friend and I am glad nothing is different between us.

Drake M. I met him while visiting a friend in Missouri over spring break. He was one of those people that you instantly notice when he walks into a room. We reconnected at a national SIFE event and talked for two months straight constantly. I started developing feelings for him, but shied away from him because he was five hours away. I regret this because I know we would have been good together. Fortunately, we just started again about a week ago. Things may be better this time. Certain things are worth a second chance.

Jeff. I met this guy at church. He has the cutest dimples, the sweetest personality and the shyest attitude. Unfortunately, he was too-good-to-be-true. I pretty much admired him from afar, wishing things would change between us. Some things are just not meant to be. He will make some woman very happy one day.

Salem. He quickly showed interest in me within the first minute of meeting him at church. However, he was not my type. The obsessive antics quickly turned me away. I even "forgot" to say yes to his friend request for several weeks on facebook, though he continued to remind me every time he spoke to me. He asked for my number and I said yes, trying to be nice. Luckily, he never texted me, which was my greatest fear. He is one of those you just have to watch out for.

Gate W. This guy deserves several pages for him alone. I met him at church over the summer and quickly found his personality addictive. I was instantly attracted to him in every way and felt he was worth pursuing. He even got my number and we texted for several weeks straight, though he said he hated texting. We hung out one evening for 5 hours or so, just talking. I was the happiest girl in the world at the end of that evening. I realized he was everything I was looking for and more. Unfortunately, he left for Minnesota for college and we have rarely spoken since then. I still think he is a wonderful human being. If our paths cross again someday, maybe things will go further. I KNOW he will make a very lucky woman insanely happy one day.

Ian. I met him at church in the fall. Though I was never interested in him, we went a couple of weeks where we spoke several times a day for hours at a time. Those around me told me he must have had feelings for me, but I beg to differ. I spoke with him just to see where things would end up, with no outcome in sight. Things have not progressed from there, but it was fun while it lasted.

Rick. I met him while working on a group project for Marketing. He is absolutely wonderful in every way. Nice, attractive, hilarious, intelligent, witty, charming, and a bowler (double bonus.) Heck, he is even obsessed with penguins, which I find extremely adorable. The problem here: he is taken. I would not expect anything less from him. Good guys like that don't just run around single. Though he expressed the rockiness of his relationship, I don't want to step in while they are together. If they stay together, great for him. If they don't, I hope to be the one to make him happy. Only time will tell with him.

In conclusion, this has been a very busy year. I only hope the next year brings an actual relationship where I can find love again. Who knows, maybe I have all ready met Mr. Right?

Reading and Revelations

I genuinely want to read tonight. This is a rare occurrence. Mainly because my memory makes it difficult to get through a book all of the way. I tend to forget the details from the beginning and fail to miss the point of the book when I make it to the end. Thus, I no longer find enjoyment in reading.

However, because of this poor memory, I cannot find the book I was reading. Now, this is annoying because I am missing an opportunity to get through a book because I can't find the darn thing. Shucks.

So I have resorted to reading secrets that people have anonymously posted online, just to have a place to vent. Most of the secrets are dramatic and some are quite funny. But a general theme is developed after just reading a few. Love.

Everyone can relate because everyone either has been in love, is in love, or wants to be in love. It's the one thing that binds us as humans. We want to feel that mutual feeling of trust and feeling to be wanted by another person. It's no wonder the bible discusses love countless times.

1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast...." or my sister's favorite verse, the same chapter but verse 8 "Love never fails.." How much hope do you have reading these verses? How can you not feel true love exists. If you never again feel this love from a human, God is always there to love you more than you can fathom. How cool is that?

This also brings me to a Stacie Orrico song. It goes like this: Love is patient, love is kind. Love is the one reason our world survives. Love is simple. Love is true. Love is the one thing that can always change you.

I used to sing to this song when I was younger, before I had ever felt the actual feelings of love from a guy. But looking back on the lyrics, several years after experiencing love, I realize I have been in love since I accepted Christ. Without sounding cliche, it is absolutely true. If God can love me for all of the horrible, crazy things I have done in my life, then how can I not love Him back?

I plan to be in love again someday. But I know waiting for the man God puts in my life is the most important thing. When I find him, I plan to never let him go. Because love never fails.

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas, It's the Best Time of the Year

This Christmas was memorable. Definitely.

My dad came over this morning and we opened presents as a family, which we haven't done since my parents split up twelve years ago. My parents have an interesting bond while being divorced, but I cannot complain. They are pretty much close friends still, just not married or living under the same roof.

But now that Eryn and I have left for college, they treasure the time we are home. So they don't mind spending time with us while being together. Personally, I like it. I mean, I would not want them to be married again, because they are each much happier separated. But the fact that they get along for us is a major cool thing.

Being in Missouri makes me miss Iowa, but for very specific reasons:

1. I love the snow in Iowa. They currently have nine inches for their white Christmas. I miss the beauty of snow.
2. Of course the independence. Since I got my driver's license, I haven't relied on my parents for much. So living on my own in another state has caused me to grow up quick. I wouldn't have it any other way.
3. My roommates. I have the greatest roommates whom I miss dearly. I love being around girls who are just as goofy as I am, yet care about school just as much as I do. I never thought that combination existed outside of me, but I guess it does.
4. Drake. My life for the next two and a half years. Enough said.
5. Des Moines. I love living in a city where the people are nice, the opportunities are endless, and the view is gorgeous. You'd have to pay me not to live in Iowa when I graduate. Seriously. Like, a lot of money to move away from there.

I thought it was only appropriate to include a picture of my white Christmas today (Missouri style.) It's no Iowa snow, but I appreciate it for what it is. :)

The Big Debate: Indianapolis, Minneapolis, or LA

After researching this evening, I found out I definitely want a Psy.D. The reason for a Psy.D. over a Ph.D. is that Ph.D. professionals focus on research more than practice. I want to go out and practice, where I can use my degree to help those hurting directly.

So now that I decided what I want, I have to decide where I want to get it. Unfortunately, Psy.D. degrees are very uncommon and not offered very much in the United States (though Canada is flooded with these programs.) So my research has been quite extensive.

I narrowed my list to three schools in order of my preference thus far:

1. University of Indianapolis
2. Argosy University in the Twin Cities
3. Pepperdine University in LA

Indianapolis has an amazing program, but along with that, a very selective entrance percentage. However, according to Mapquest, traveling from Drake to Univ. of Indianapolis, a 7 hour and 40 minute drive is required. I CANNOT be that far away from Eryn. Period. Unless, of course, she came with me. (That's the next best option.)

So that's why Argosy is number 2. Minneapolis is just over 3 hours from Des Moines and that is manageable. Also not ideal, but definitely do-able.

Lastly, Pepperdine is an awesome school in California. I know the area and my family is located just around the corner. However, that is a 25 hour 17 minute drive from Des Moines, so unless Eryn comes with me, no thank you.

Good thing I don't have to worry about this for another year. Ha. That's not enough time. But, I just requested more info from these schools to weigh my options closer. I'll update you on what I find after I get the solid evidence. My choices may be different.

One thing I know for sure, I am utterly, totally, absolutely excited about going into health psychology, concentrating on mental illness and addiction. Goodness gracious, can it be 2018 all ready?

Scholarships and School Thinking

Of course break does not mean a break from intellectual activity. In fact, I do the outside activities I generally do not have time to accomplish during the semester. Plus, I feel obligated to do something important because I know I'll need something to account for once I come back to school.

I started reading a book a couple of days ago. It's called Uglies. The reading level cannot be higher than eighth grade, but I do not care. It is somehow stimulating me and that's all that matters. Who cares if a college student can learn something from a book catered to kids not even old enough to drive yet?

I also just submitted a scholarship. The chances of winning are probably slim at best, but my chances would be none if I didn't submit anything at all. It's almost like high school all over again.

It's funny because in high school, I always told myself I would stop worrying about grades in college because I all ready made it to college. Well, now that I am going to grad school, I have to care about my grades.

I also said I wouldn't have to fill out any more scholarships, because they are only available to high schoolers. That also couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not as persistent as I used to be with filling them out, but I still do. In college, anything free is incredibly enticing.

Before I go, I want to clarify that I DO NOT enjoy reading for fun. I am doing so for that small chance that reading improves memory. I'll take what I can get at this point.