My Ten-Year Plan

I went shopping with my mom and sister today for my cousin's daughter, Meadow. Meadow turned two in October and is the smartest two-year-old I have ever met. I am convinced she has the vocabulary of an average 4-year-old. In addition, Meadow has the biggest blue eyes. She is the epitome of adorable.

We ventured to Toys R Us to find games for Meadow and clothes for the new baby (my cousin is due any day now with her second one.) Unfortunately, she doesn't want to know the sex, so we have to find gender-neutral clothes. I have decided I want to know my baby's sex, mostly to help those who are shopping for my children.

While shopping, I realized most people have their first child before 30. That means in the next ten years, I will most-likely be married, have children, be established as a therapist, and paying off my student loans. That seems like such a stretch from where I am now. I mean, I am a single college student working an internship and acquiring student loans. My mom said the next ten years will be the best years of my life, so treasure them. What a great outlook to start off my twenties with!

A couple of weeks ago, Eryn and I threw around baby name ideas. Here are a couple of girl names we both like:

• Autumn Marie
• Summer Lily
• Lexi Marie
• Trinity ?

We also decided boy's names are harder to come up with. Some we thought about are:

• Tucker Levi
• Titus ?
• Brendan ?
• Brandon ?

Okay, so middle names are tough. The hardest part is coming up with a middle name that isn't Michael or Sean, which are used with almost every boy's name. We both want our children to be different.

I know last names also make or break a name, so that is something I will consider when I get married. It's just so much fun trying to decide small details about my future while I can still dream. I know it will be even more fun living those dreams one day.

I Wish Things were Different

It's official: I have a B in Business Law. It's the final grade. The determinant of my worth in college. And I have failed myself. I am frustrated because of all the work I put into the class. My transcript just says B so anyone could think I got an 80%.

I was so close. 12 points away from an A. 88%. Ugh.

I probably shouldn't write when I am so angry, but most times it helps. So I gave up that President's List rating on my resume and anything that came along with it. Awesome.

If the class were not focused so heavily on memory, It would have been great. I mean, I did everything I could to try and remember the technicalities. But it never worked. Never.

I am not mad at the professor. He is the best professor I've had and probably will have.

It was just that one thing I wanted but now say I'll never have. That 4.0 throughout college. Plus, this is just my sophomore year and I am struggling. Who knows how much harder it will get from here on? Will I ever get A's again? Ugh.

This break is just what I need to get my grades off my mind. Seriously, I have to do better in the future.

On a lighter note, I slept in until 8 today. It was fabulous. I love not having to worry about my tests, or homework, or getting to class, or going to work. I can just worry about doing what I want, which is nothing.

The Start of Something New: Round Two

One day remaining.

You know, this whole countdown thing has really made my life exciting. Before I began counting down the hours until I am done with this semester, my days were pretty bland. Nothing real exciting, nothing real special. I just existed.

I know I haven't had a wonderful semester. In fact, the past couple of months have been a hard time for me. But I made it out alive, well, almost. One marketing final to go and I am on my way to success!

I also realize that I want to go back to my old self. She's still in there, she's just been hiding because stress hasn't allowed her to come out. But she's ready and willing to go. I am making a checklist of things I want to see change/I want to accomplish over my winter break. Here it goes:

• Exercise every morning
• Eat healthy/watch what I eat
• De-stress
• Read some of the books I've had for years but never picked up
• Look over my textbooks to get a head-start
• Get my hair looking normal again
• Focus more during my daily devotions
• Stop making excuses for myself when I fall into temptation
• Get better mentally and physically
• Write everyday
• Appreciate the small things in life
• Give everyday up for God

I am going to save this list and refer to it everyday to make sure I am on track. I genuinely want to change. I want to be happy and enjoy life.

The Good, Bad, and the Ugly

Let's first start off with the good. I had a wonderful time working on my group marketing project for 6ish hours today. We pretty much finished all of it. How exciting.

Not to mention, we hung out in Nick's room. Eryn and I talked about Nick afterward and decided he is definitely awesome. He is nice, funny, and easy-going. The fact that he is cute helps a bit. All good, right?

Wrong. Mr. Nick is taken. I don't consider myself a homewrecker of any sort, especially in a relationship I know nothing about. Why is that I find someone I think would work and he is taken? Argg. I knew he was taken from day one, but I assumed there was a hint of chance. Highly unlikely.

So, randomly, I decided I no longer wanted to study tonight and decided to gorge myself. That was a double-edged sword. Not only did I not study, I made myself so full, I feel sick. Why? Why do I do this? I actually had a good day for the first time in a long time. What is wrong with me?

I want to become a therapist when I get older. Why? I want to help people. Deep down, I know I need help myself. I know I have a problem and yet do nothing about it. I want to learn more about why I treat my body so badly and why I continue to lower my self esteem.

One day, I will overcome this and have the education to help others like me. Those who also have an unhealthy relationship with food. I am going to counsel men and women with eating disorders. I feel I have the knowledge and experience to do so.

Step one, overcome this. Starting Wednesday, December 15, I am done with my unhealthy relationship with food. All temptations will be gone, so I can fully commit. I am in a downward spiral and I just don't understand it. I used to be the skinny girl. The healthy eater. The one who wore clothes too big for her. The one who could get guys.

Now, I am the girl still trying to wear those clothes, but killing myself in the process. The one who can't get a guy because she feels unworthy. The one who doesn't care what she puts in her body as long as she is satisfied at that moment.

God, this is scaring me. I CANNOT be overweight again. It would kill me. I all ready struggle with mild depression because of my poor self-image. This cannot get worse.

I want to get married one day. I want to solidify my relationship with God and let Him know how much I appreciate Him. Right now, I need to get right in my head. This constant sinning is unacceptable. God deserves better. My friends and family deserve better. I deserve better.

Summary of my day:

The good: having a great day with friends and working on marketing. Oh, and Nick. :)

The bad: Nick is not available. God didn't intend for this to work out just yet, if ever.

The ugly: me if I continue to eat like this. God, please help me. I am broken and need Your help.

In your name, Amen.

Praising God for the Little Things

One. Week. Left.

This semester will be officially over in one week for me. It has been the roughest 5 months of my life yet. Christmas break will be a time to get refreshed and ready for a new school year.

I have to gain a positive attitude about next semester. Right now, school isn't fun. Going to class is a struggle. Sometimes waking up isn't even easy, knowing it's just another day. I have to make school fun again, just like it has been since Kindergarten. I used to go to class because I wanted, get the good grade because I genuinely cared about the material, that sort of thing. Not anymore.

And I never thought I would feel this way about life. I am always the happy one. The level-headed girl with open ears and positive thoughts. What happened?

On a bright side, my internship is something to be happy about. I love going to work everyday, even if I have to sacrifice getting up uber early every morning. Something about knowing this is going to get me somewhere someday excites me. If only I could spread that passion to other areas of my life.

I know, with God on my side, things will be easier. I always used to think things would be easy after I got saved, but that isn't the case at all. The difference is that now I have someone to turn to who will unconditionally love me for the screw up I am.

God, thank you for every blessing You have placed in my life. Please help me see those blessings and see the good in situations. I know You put every obstacle in my life for a reason and I accept that. I know You only want the best for me.

I praise you and love you more than anything and I should do more to show it. Thank you for your unconditional love and mercy. I need that now more than ever. Amen.

Numb

I am completely void of emotion right now. Numb. Feelingless.

I'm not sure why. I can't say I'm happy but I can't say I'm mad. Or even upset. I am just here and living. Not enjoying life, but pushing on by. Is this the way life is supposed to be? Or am I supposed to be feeling something more?

I know I have to stop working myself up on things that matter little in the long run. Sure, I would love a 4.0 this semester, but it just isn't going to happen. It just isn't. But I also have the internship that hopefully will get me a job after college, so what am I worried about?

That brings me to the next concern in my life: my future career. I know I want to be a therapist, I know it. But I also know that I have been promised a job after I graduate college, and I still have two and a half years left. Who else can say that?

I ultimately want to go to Iowa State or the University of Iowa for the Ph.D. Psychology program. If I work hard enough in college, I can get an assistantship and pay zero for grad school. I cannot beat that. Unfortunately, I probably will not have time to work during grad school, there goes MassMutual.

It's just so complicated. I have to prepare for my GRE soon, because I need to take it in 18 months and it is no easy test.

The best part about all of this? I still have 18 months to worry about it. Right now, that is my motto. Just get through this semester and worry about life after that. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

Round Two

So I haven't written in a while because I haven't had time to write. Well, I have just filled my time with other things. Though writing is something I am passionate about, I do not find enough time to fit that in my schedule.

I started my new job at MassMutual Financial Group on Monday morning. I work from 7:30 am to 9:00 am everyday before my classes start at 9:30. Then the rest of my day goes until generally 10 pm or so, when I can find time to do some homework. Then rest for a little while and repeat.

Now this job couldn't have come at a better (or worse) time. Better in the sense that I found what I was looking for, finally. I knew I wanted this job the minute I applied for it and wouldn't settle for anything less than obtaining it. Now, my first week on the job was not the best timing. This week, I had a test Monday, a test Tuesday, two tests Thursday, and another test this coming Tuesday. So I was getting up early (6:15ish) for work, then would be exhausted by 10 pm and had to sleep, knowing I had to do it all over again. Needless to say, studying for the tests took backseat.

I am ready for this semester to be over. I have never wanted something to end more in my entire life. I honestly have no clue what God is teaching me with handing me a semester like this one, but I know I cannot have more semesters like this. Well, I may not have a choice.

Currently, I am taking 16 credit hours with three part-time jobs and an executive position in three organizations. That is stretching myself a little too thin, I think. Next semester, I am taking 18 credit hours, dropping down to two part-time jobs plus 10 hours of weekly psychology lab duty, and continuing the three organizations. At least I am done by 2 on Thursdays next semester.

Why do I put myself through this? I deserve to have free time every once in awhile. I really do.

My health, of all things, is suffering the most, unfortunately. I have decided I am going to take better care of myself; I have to. I know I deserve to be happy and feel good about myself again, and writing it down is going to do nothing. I need to actually commit to discipline in my eating and sleeping habits, starting right now.

The first step is shutting off my computer and getting a full eight hours of sleep. With that being said, I am going to call this a night and hopefully get back on tomorrow to update my progress. I feel writing will push me to be more accountable in my actions and finally make a change for the better.

Ciao!