Numb

I am completely void of emotion right now. Numb. Feelingless.

I'm not sure why. I can't say I'm happy but I can't say I'm mad. Or even upset. I am just here and living. Not enjoying life, but pushing on by. Is this the way life is supposed to be? Or am I supposed to be feeling something more?

I know I have to stop working myself up on things that matter little in the long run. Sure, I would love a 4.0 this semester, but it just isn't going to happen. It just isn't. But I also have the internship that hopefully will get me a job after college, so what am I worried about?

That brings me to the next concern in my life: my future career. I know I want to be a therapist, I know it. But I also know that I have been promised a job after I graduate college, and I still have two and a half years left. Who else can say that?

I ultimately want to go to Iowa State or the University of Iowa for the Ph.D. Psychology program. If I work hard enough in college, I can get an assistantship and pay zero for grad school. I cannot beat that. Unfortunately, I probably will not have time to work during grad school, there goes MassMutual.

It's just so complicated. I have to prepare for my GRE soon, because I need to take it in 18 months and it is no easy test.

The best part about all of this? I still have 18 months to worry about it. Right now, that is my motto. Just get through this semester and worry about life after that. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

Round Two

So I haven't written in a while because I haven't had time to write. Well, I have just filled my time with other things. Though writing is something I am passionate about, I do not find enough time to fit that in my schedule.

I started my new job at MassMutual Financial Group on Monday morning. I work from 7:30 am to 9:00 am everyday before my classes start at 9:30. Then the rest of my day goes until generally 10 pm or so, when I can find time to do some homework. Then rest for a little while and repeat.

Now this job couldn't have come at a better (or worse) time. Better in the sense that I found what I was looking for, finally. I knew I wanted this job the minute I applied for it and wouldn't settle for anything less than obtaining it. Now, my first week on the job was not the best timing. This week, I had a test Monday, a test Tuesday, two tests Thursday, and another test this coming Tuesday. So I was getting up early (6:15ish) for work, then would be exhausted by 10 pm and had to sleep, knowing I had to do it all over again. Needless to say, studying for the tests took backseat.

I am ready for this semester to be over. I have never wanted something to end more in my entire life. I honestly have no clue what God is teaching me with handing me a semester like this one, but I know I cannot have more semesters like this. Well, I may not have a choice.

Currently, I am taking 16 credit hours with three part-time jobs and an executive position in three organizations. That is stretching myself a little too thin, I think. Next semester, I am taking 18 credit hours, dropping down to two part-time jobs plus 10 hours of weekly psychology lab duty, and continuing the three organizations. At least I am done by 2 on Thursdays next semester.

Why do I put myself through this? I deserve to have free time every once in awhile. I really do.

My health, of all things, is suffering the most, unfortunately. I have decided I am going to take better care of myself; I have to. I know I deserve to be happy and feel good about myself again, and writing it down is going to do nothing. I need to actually commit to discipline in my eating and sleeping habits, starting right now.

The first step is shutting off my computer and getting a full eight hours of sleep. With that being said, I am going to call this a night and hopefully get back on tomorrow to update my progress. I feel writing will push me to be more accountable in my actions and finally make a change for the better.

Ciao!